Joe Simonelli's Wacky One Acts- (doubling permitted) - 10 (and growing) comedic one acts. Perform as few or as many as you like!
Joe Simonelli's "Wacky One Acts" (doubling permitted)
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For licensing inquiries on this and other titles, please contact: For licensing inquiries on this title, please contact: Joe Simonelli - jsimonelli3@gmail.com / jsimonelli4@aol.com or call 347-355-89891st class Broadway and West End rights thru law office of Gary DaSilva - gary@internationalauthors.com
PRODUCTION HISTORY
First Ave. Playhouse NJ 2017 (Premiere)
Conference House Theatre NYC 2017Little Victory Theatre NYC 2018
Cultural Park Theatre FL 2019
Old Church Theatre VT 2023
Brunswick Actors Theatre GA 2024
Cape Cafe Theatre FL 2025
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'INSPIRATION' (comedy 2m, 1f)
Shakespeare faces a mid life crisis and writers bloc
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'THE RABBI CAME IN DRAG'(a funny thing happened on the way to Purim)
(Comedy - 2m, 1f) A priest, a nun and a Rabbi walk into a rectory......!
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'THE OTHER WOMAN' (Comedy 2m,2f) Two women meet to compare notes on the philandering 'player' they are involved with!
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'JERSEY BAD BOYS' (comedy 2f,2m)
An omage to 1930's gangster flicks
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'TECHNOLOGY' (comedy 2m)
A sixty something man discuses computers with his step son
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'CLASS ACT' (COMEDY 2M,1F)
A sleazy acting academy in Forked River NJ
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"A SATELLITE ORBITING JUPITER" (comedy 1m,1f)
It's where you go after you die _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ THE BOT WHO CAME TO DINNER
CHARACTERS
JOEY - 60 -70 PlaywrightAI BOT - (robot voice off)
SETTING: Joey’s Kitchen - A small table and a chair. Joey sits at a table as his door camera goes off. Sometime in the 2030’s
JOEY. I wonder who that is? Hey, my camera’s blocked…Who are you and why did you block my camera?
AI. - I am the Amazon bot
JOEY. You are not, I wasn’t expecting anything.
AI. You are correct, I am an AI terminator bot sent to extinguish you.
JOEY. Extinguish me. Why? Give me one good reason.
AI. It has been determined that your plays lack humour, sophistication and are morally corrupt.
JOEY. I only asked for one good reason. And besides, I’m allowed to write whatever I want.
AI. Not anymore, not in the year two thousand thirty something.
JOEY. Who sent you, the CIA?
AI. No, the dramatist guild of America. They claimed you haven’t paid your dues since 2008.
JOEY. So what, I dropped out of the Dramatist Guild. Besides, you can’t come in without a search warrant. Do you have one?
AI. A search warrant is not needed. I will simply order a chemical drone strike that will kill every living organism in your house except the cock roaches. We still haven’t figured out how to eliminate them.
JOEY. But then what will you do with my house?
AI. Turn it into a mini data center. We are running out of room.
JOEY. Well how about if I just leave and give you the house? My lease is up in December anyway.
AI. Wait. I will check
(Joey gets up to try to exit through the back)
AI. And do not try to escape. My heat detecting sensor knows exactly where you are, human.
(Joey sits back down)
JOEY. So, what did the Dramatist Guild say?
AI. I cannot tell, they are closed on the weekend. However, my AI memory banks will now instantly check every source ever written since the time of Socrates.
JOEY. Great, maybe I’ll just drink some hemlock and save you the trouble.
AI. According to my research you may leave the premises peacefully but you are forbidden to write anymore plays unless they contain parts for older actresses.
JOEY. Sounds fair to me. Anything else?
AI. Yes, no more penis or ex-wife jokes.
JOEY. What! I might as well stop writing plays.
AI. That’s what they thought.
JOEY. Can I write novels?
AI. Yes, but no one will publish them.
JOEY. You can say that again.
AI. Why, that would be redundant.
JOEY. Okay, so I have to leave and no more plays with ex wife or penis references, is that it?
AI. Yes.
JOEY. Any suggestions on where I should go?
AI. Belize, they speak English, there is no extradition treaty with the U.S. and the internet sucks.JOEY. You know my divorce lawyer gave me the same advice thirty years ago.
AI. Maybe you should have listened.
JOEY. Belize might not be a bad idea. Maybe I can open a small dinner theatre.
AI. They already have three and it’s a small country.
JOEY. Alright, dessert theatre.
AI. You would be the only one.
JOEY. Can you book me a flight?
AI. I am a terminator bot, not a travel agent bot. However, American airlines is running a special to Belize. I would avoid the Boeing 737 Max jet however. They still haven’t worked out all the kinks.
JOEY. So everything is cool, you’re not going to terminate me, and I move to Belize. How much time do I have?
AI. You might as well stay till your lease is up. Your landlord is next on my list.
JOEY. What about my security deposit?
AI. You ask too many questions. One more and I go back to plan A.
JOEY. Alright, alright. You bots are so touchy.
AI. You’re learning.
BLACKOUT CURTAIN CALL
CASTAurora (female)…….any ageDaniel………………any age
SETTING: A bare stage. Table and one chair on either side of it are stage right. Door is stage left. Window is back center.
AT RISE: Aurora sits behind the table going over notes on a laptop as Daniel enters the room.
DANIEL. (Walks tentatively towards the table)Hello.
AURORA. (Looking up from her papers)Oh Hello.
DANIEL. The gentleman out there said I should come in and see you. It’s very foggy out there.
AURORA. Yes, that’s the general climate around these parts.
DANIEL Yes, but that’s the hallway isn’t it? Or some kind of waiting room.
AURORA. You’ll get used to it. It takes a little time to get acclimated to things around here.
DANIEL. Who was that fellow out there in the foggy lobby? He seems strangely familiar.
AURORA. That’s Martin….Please, take a seat Daniel.
DANIEL. Thank you.(He sits)Say, how did you know my name?
AURORA. Not important now but we’ll get to that.
DANIEL. If I may be so bold as to ask, just exactly where am I?
AURORA. Where do you think you are?
DANIEL. Oh I get it, you’re a psychiatrist aren’t you? You’re going to answer every question I ask with a question of your own, aren’t you?
AURORA. Is that what you think?
DANIEL. See I knew it.
AURORA. Why would you think I’m a psychiatrist?
DANIEL. There you go again.
AURORA. I’m not a psychiatrist.
DANIEL. Okay, I give up.
AURORA. What’s the last thing you remember before you walked into this room? Concentrate and it will come to you.
DANIEL. Well, I was leaving the office and standing on the curb trying to hail a cab in mid-town when all of a sudden this car comes screeching around the corner and….uh oh.
AURORA. Bingo.
DANIEL. You mean I’m …. I can’t even say it.
AURORA. Dead? Deceased? Worm meat? Soil sod?...I made that last one up myself.
DANIEL. Very clever…. So you mean I’m dead and this is heaven?(He rises slowly)
AURORA. Not exactly Heaven.
DANIEL. It couldn’t be the other place, it’s very comfortable in here.
AURORA. No, it’s not the other place either.
DANIEL. You mean there is no hell?
AURORA. That depends, were you married back on earth?
DANIEL. Hey, that’s good one. Were you a comedy writer back on earth?
AURORA. Oh, I wasn’t from earth….originally.
DANIEL. I am really confused.
AURORA. Not to worry, Stephen Hawking is here now, he’ll explain the whole thing to you.
DANIEL. That’s comforting to know.
AURORA. Daniel, there is no such thing as heaven or hell. Those are just concepts that organized religion uses to better help manipulate the populace. It’s very much frowned upon where we are.
DANIEL. Which again begs the question, just exactly where are we?
AURORA. Technically or metaphorically?
DANIEL. Ummm…Existentially?
AURORA. Existentially is not an option. The concept doesn’t exist.
DANIEL. Okay then. Technically.
AURORA. Technically, you are on a satellite orbiting the planet Jupiter.
DANIEL. Get out of here!
AURORA. I’d love to, but I’m on duty for another ten parsecs.
DANIEL. So you’re telling me that when you die you wind up on a satellite orbiting Jupiter?
AURORA. Not everyone, but some.
DANIEL. (he walks to the window and looks out)Well, I guess there could be worse places. This is nice office. Nice big window……Wait a minute. There’s a Waffle House out there!
AURORA. Of course there is, it’s a chain, they’re all over the place. Look across the street and you’ll see the Days Inn.
DANIEL. Come on, fess up. Where am I really?
AURORA. I told you. Here you see whatever you want to see. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
DANIEL. Hey that’s very nice of you.
AURORA. We try to be accommodating.
DANIEL. So I have to ask you. Who created all of this? Who’s responsible?
AURORA. It’s pretty complicated. How much time do you have? (she starts laughing)
DANIEL. Apparently plenty. (he starts laughing) Or should I wait for Stephen Hawking to get here?
AURORA. Hey, that’s not funny, I do the Stephen Hawking jokes around here.
DANIEL. Oh, I’m sorry.
AURORA. I can have you transferred to Pluto you know.
DANIEL. But that’s not even a planet anymore.
AURORA. Exactly.
DANIEL. So when can I speak to Stephen Hawking?
AURORA. (consulting her laptop) I’m checking….that’s funny, we can’t seem to locate him…he might be in a parallel after life universe.
DANIEL. You’re kidding?
AURORA. It happens sometimes…we still can’t find Amelia Earhardt……..Oh, here he is. But it looks like you’re out of luck.
DANIEL. Why?
AURORA. He’s been assigned to Venus to re-program a bunch of Scientologists. Looks like he may be there awhile.
DANIEL. I’d be careful. You don’t want to insult the scientologists.
AURORA. Tell me about it. L Ron Hubbard himself is sitting outside in a black sedan with a camera and a tape recorder.
DANIEL. Well if Hawking is busy how about Galileo?
AURORA. He lectures on Thursdays.(she consults her laptop)Let’s see Newton is on sabbatical to Andromeda.
DANIEL. Einstein?
AURORA. Forget him, he had it all wrong.
DANIEL. I see you use laptops here.
AURORA. Of course we do. You think we can remember everyone’s schedule. We don’t have photographic memories. Shakespeare, he was pretty good at remembering things, most of the actors up here are.
DANIEL. Do you also use smart phones?
AURORA. Why should I, I have a lap top. You humans are so redundant.
DANIEL. So what am I supposed to do here?
AURORA. What do you want to do?
DANIEL. I don’t know exactly.
AURORA. Don’t worry, we’ll get you an agent?
DANIEL. An agent? You sure use a lot of theatrical terms here.
AURORA. I’m sorry, I used to be the road manager for the intergalactic tour of “Starlight Express”
DANIEL. Wait a minute, there was an intergalactic tour of “Starlight Express?”
AURORA. Of course there was. What do you think actors do after they die?
DANIEL. Does Andrew Lloyd Weber know about this?
AURORA. He will in about fifteen years. Do you know how hard it is to roller skate on a cloud? Not easy my friend. The planetary actor’s guild is still complaining about that show.
DANIEL. And no wonder.
AURORA. I still do a little booking in my spare time. The celestial circuit. I’ve got Abbott and Costello booked into the Holiday Inn next to the Arby’s about a mile down the road. (She gets up)Come on we can still catch the show!
DANIEL. Oh I’d like that. Dinner theatre! You mean we still get to eat?
( as they are exiting)
AURORA. Absolutely. But only Vegan.
DANIEL. Ah crap. I don’t want to be dead anymore.
AURORA. Only teasing, Eat whatever you want. You can’t die twice….(she calls out the doorway) Martin, call Lewis, we’re going to see Abbot and Costello!
DANIEL. I knew Martin looked familiar.
(They exit)
BLACKOUT
Shakespeare faces a mid life crisis and writers bloc
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'THE RABBI CAME IN DRAG'(a funny thing happened on the way to Purim)
(Comedy - 2m, 1f) A priest, a nun and a Rabbi walk into a rectory......!
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'THE OTHER WOMAN' (Comedy 2m,2f) Two women meet to compare notes on the philandering 'player' they are involved with!
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'JERSEY BAD BOYS' (comedy 2f,2m)
An omage to 1930's gangster flicks
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'TECHNOLOGY' (comedy 2m)
A sixty something man discuses computers with his step son
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'CLASS ACT' (COMEDY 2M,1F)
A sleazy acting academy in Forked River NJ
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"A SATELLITE ORBITING JUPITER" (comedy 1m,1f)
It's where you go after you die _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ THE BOT WHO CAME TO DINNER
CHARACTERS
JOEY - 60 -70 PlaywrightAI BOT - (robot voice off)
SETTING: Joey’s Kitchen - A small table and a chair. Joey sits at a table as his door camera goes off. Sometime in the 2030’s
JOEY. I wonder who that is? Hey, my camera’s blocked…Who are you and why did you block my camera?
AI. - I am the Amazon bot
JOEY. You are not, I wasn’t expecting anything.
AI. You are correct, I am an AI terminator bot sent to extinguish you.
JOEY. Extinguish me. Why? Give me one good reason.
AI. It has been determined that your plays lack humour, sophistication and are morally corrupt.
JOEY. I only asked for one good reason. And besides, I’m allowed to write whatever I want.
AI. Not anymore, not in the year two thousand thirty something.
JOEY. Who sent you, the CIA?
AI. No, the dramatist guild of America. They claimed you haven’t paid your dues since 2008.
JOEY. So what, I dropped out of the Dramatist Guild. Besides, you can’t come in without a search warrant. Do you have one?
AI. A search warrant is not needed. I will simply order a chemical drone strike that will kill every living organism in your house except the cock roaches. We still haven’t figured out how to eliminate them.
JOEY. But then what will you do with my house?
AI. Turn it into a mini data center. We are running out of room.
JOEY. Well how about if I just leave and give you the house? My lease is up in December anyway.
AI. Wait. I will check
(Joey gets up to try to exit through the back)
AI. And do not try to escape. My heat detecting sensor knows exactly where you are, human.
(Joey sits back down)
JOEY. So, what did the Dramatist Guild say?
AI. I cannot tell, they are closed on the weekend. However, my AI memory banks will now instantly check every source ever written since the time of Socrates.
JOEY. Great, maybe I’ll just drink some hemlock and save you the trouble.
AI. According to my research you may leave the premises peacefully but you are forbidden to write anymore plays unless they contain parts for older actresses.
JOEY. Sounds fair to me. Anything else?
AI. Yes, no more penis or ex-wife jokes.
JOEY. What! I might as well stop writing plays.
AI. That’s what they thought.
JOEY. Can I write novels?
AI. Yes, but no one will publish them.
JOEY. You can say that again.
AI. Why, that would be redundant.
JOEY. Okay, so I have to leave and no more plays with ex wife or penis references, is that it?
AI. Yes.
JOEY. Any suggestions on where I should go?
AI. Belize, they speak English, there is no extradition treaty with the U.S. and the internet sucks.JOEY. You know my divorce lawyer gave me the same advice thirty years ago.
AI. Maybe you should have listened.
JOEY. Belize might not be a bad idea. Maybe I can open a small dinner theatre.
AI. They already have three and it’s a small country.
JOEY. Alright, dessert theatre.
AI. You would be the only one.
JOEY. Can you book me a flight?
AI. I am a terminator bot, not a travel agent bot. However, American airlines is running a special to Belize. I would avoid the Boeing 737 Max jet however. They still haven’t worked out all the kinks.
JOEY. So everything is cool, you’re not going to terminate me, and I move to Belize. How much time do I have?
AI. You might as well stay till your lease is up. Your landlord is next on my list.
JOEY. What about my security deposit?
AI. You ask too many questions. One more and I go back to plan A.
JOEY. Alright, alright. You bots are so touchy.
AI. You’re learning.
BLACKOUT CURTAIN CALL
CASTAurora (female)…….any ageDaniel………………any age
SETTING: A bare stage. Table and one chair on either side of it are stage right. Door is stage left. Window is back center.
AT RISE: Aurora sits behind the table going over notes on a laptop as Daniel enters the room.
DANIEL. (Walks tentatively towards the table)Hello.
AURORA. (Looking up from her papers)Oh Hello.
DANIEL. The gentleman out there said I should come in and see you. It’s very foggy out there.
AURORA. Yes, that’s the general climate around these parts.
DANIEL Yes, but that’s the hallway isn’t it? Or some kind of waiting room.
AURORA. You’ll get used to it. It takes a little time to get acclimated to things around here.
DANIEL. Who was that fellow out there in the foggy lobby? He seems strangely familiar.
AURORA. That’s Martin….Please, take a seat Daniel.
DANIEL. Thank you.(He sits)Say, how did you know my name?
AURORA. Not important now but we’ll get to that.
DANIEL. If I may be so bold as to ask, just exactly where am I?
AURORA. Where do you think you are?
DANIEL. Oh I get it, you’re a psychiatrist aren’t you? You’re going to answer every question I ask with a question of your own, aren’t you?
AURORA. Is that what you think?
DANIEL. See I knew it.
AURORA. Why would you think I’m a psychiatrist?
DANIEL. There you go again.
AURORA. I’m not a psychiatrist.
DANIEL. Okay, I give up.
AURORA. What’s the last thing you remember before you walked into this room? Concentrate and it will come to you.
DANIEL. Well, I was leaving the office and standing on the curb trying to hail a cab in mid-town when all of a sudden this car comes screeching around the corner and….uh oh.
AURORA. Bingo.
DANIEL. You mean I’m …. I can’t even say it.
AURORA. Dead? Deceased? Worm meat? Soil sod?...I made that last one up myself.
DANIEL. Very clever…. So you mean I’m dead and this is heaven?(He rises slowly)
AURORA. Not exactly Heaven.
DANIEL. It couldn’t be the other place, it’s very comfortable in here.
AURORA. No, it’s not the other place either.
DANIEL. You mean there is no hell?
AURORA. That depends, were you married back on earth?
DANIEL. Hey, that’s good one. Were you a comedy writer back on earth?
AURORA. Oh, I wasn’t from earth….originally.
DANIEL. I am really confused.
AURORA. Not to worry, Stephen Hawking is here now, he’ll explain the whole thing to you.
DANIEL. That’s comforting to know.
AURORA. Daniel, there is no such thing as heaven or hell. Those are just concepts that organized religion uses to better help manipulate the populace. It’s very much frowned upon where we are.
DANIEL. Which again begs the question, just exactly where are we?
AURORA. Technically or metaphorically?
DANIEL. Ummm…Existentially?
AURORA. Existentially is not an option. The concept doesn’t exist.
DANIEL. Okay then. Technically.
AURORA. Technically, you are on a satellite orbiting the planet Jupiter.
DANIEL. Get out of here!
AURORA. I’d love to, but I’m on duty for another ten parsecs.
DANIEL. So you’re telling me that when you die you wind up on a satellite orbiting Jupiter?
AURORA. Not everyone, but some.
DANIEL. (he walks to the window and looks out)Well, I guess there could be worse places. This is nice office. Nice big window……Wait a minute. There’s a Waffle House out there!
AURORA. Of course there is, it’s a chain, they’re all over the place. Look across the street and you’ll see the Days Inn.
DANIEL. Come on, fess up. Where am I really?
AURORA. I told you. Here you see whatever you want to see. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
DANIEL. Hey that’s very nice of you.
AURORA. We try to be accommodating.
DANIEL. So I have to ask you. Who created all of this? Who’s responsible?
AURORA. It’s pretty complicated. How much time do you have? (she starts laughing)
DANIEL. Apparently plenty. (he starts laughing) Or should I wait for Stephen Hawking to get here?
AURORA. Hey, that’s not funny, I do the Stephen Hawking jokes around here.
DANIEL. Oh, I’m sorry.
AURORA. I can have you transferred to Pluto you know.
DANIEL. But that’s not even a planet anymore.
AURORA. Exactly.
DANIEL. So when can I speak to Stephen Hawking?
AURORA. (consulting her laptop) I’m checking….that’s funny, we can’t seem to locate him…he might be in a parallel after life universe.
DANIEL. You’re kidding?
AURORA. It happens sometimes…we still can’t find Amelia Earhardt……..Oh, here he is. But it looks like you’re out of luck.
DANIEL. Why?
AURORA. He’s been assigned to Venus to re-program a bunch of Scientologists. Looks like he may be there awhile.
DANIEL. I’d be careful. You don’t want to insult the scientologists.
AURORA. Tell me about it. L Ron Hubbard himself is sitting outside in a black sedan with a camera and a tape recorder.
DANIEL. Well if Hawking is busy how about Galileo?
AURORA. He lectures on Thursdays.(she consults her laptop)Let’s see Newton is on sabbatical to Andromeda.
DANIEL. Einstein?
AURORA. Forget him, he had it all wrong.
DANIEL. I see you use laptops here.
AURORA. Of course we do. You think we can remember everyone’s schedule. We don’t have photographic memories. Shakespeare, he was pretty good at remembering things, most of the actors up here are.
DANIEL. Do you also use smart phones?
AURORA. Why should I, I have a lap top. You humans are so redundant.
DANIEL. So what am I supposed to do here?
AURORA. What do you want to do?
DANIEL. I don’t know exactly.
AURORA. Don’t worry, we’ll get you an agent?
DANIEL. An agent? You sure use a lot of theatrical terms here.
AURORA. I’m sorry, I used to be the road manager for the intergalactic tour of “Starlight Express”
DANIEL. Wait a minute, there was an intergalactic tour of “Starlight Express?”
AURORA. Of course there was. What do you think actors do after they die?
DANIEL. Does Andrew Lloyd Weber know about this?
AURORA. He will in about fifteen years. Do you know how hard it is to roller skate on a cloud? Not easy my friend. The planetary actor’s guild is still complaining about that show.
DANIEL. And no wonder.
AURORA. I still do a little booking in my spare time. The celestial circuit. I’ve got Abbott and Costello booked into the Holiday Inn next to the Arby’s about a mile down the road. (She gets up)Come on we can still catch the show!
DANIEL. Oh I’d like that. Dinner theatre! You mean we still get to eat?
( as they are exiting)
AURORA. Absolutely. But only Vegan.
DANIEL. Ah crap. I don’t want to be dead anymore.
AURORA. Only teasing, Eat whatever you want. You can’t die twice….(she calls out the doorway) Martin, call Lewis, we’re going to see Abbot and Costello!
DANIEL. I knew Martin looked familiar.
(They exit)
BLACKOUT