SICILIANS IN THE BASEMENT (3m, 3 f - Romantic Comedy character ages 25 to 55)
A romantic comedy about a hapless couple who open a Swiss Restaurant in Crown Heights Brooklyn. The Swiss cuisine is not really going over well in the heavily ethnic neighborhood until two Sicilian Immigrants arrive to shake up the menu!
WHAT THE CRITICS SAID!
"Romantic comedy in every sense of the word with the emphasis on comedy! Not to be missed!"Joe Franklin - Bloomberg Radio
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PRODUCTION HISTORY First Ave. Playhouse NJ 2013 (premiere) Full Cup Theatre NYC 2014 Cultural Park Theatre FL 2015 Little Victory Theatre NYC 2016 Lemon Bay playhouse Fl 2023 SAMPLE DIALOUGE: CHARACTERS
Hans Segrum - mid fiftiesWendi Segrum - late fortiesHeidi Segrum - early twentiesJoey Tarazzi - (female) forties or olderArmando Valenza - mid twenties Ted Halpern - forty or upPapa - (offstage voice that can be played by stage manager)
ACT 1SCENE 1SETTING: A small restaurant. Three small tables with chairs are evident. The main entrance is up left. The Back room and basement are up right. The entrance to the kitchen is back center behind a small service bar. Main entrance is up left.
AT RISE Mr. Halpern is sitting at a table sipping from a coffee cup as Hans is behind the bar listening to a traditional song featuring some yodeling.
HEIDI. (out from kitchen, (to Hans)Really Dad?(she turns off music from behind the bar)More hot chocolate Mr. Halpern?
TED. No thanks. Three cups is enough. I’m good for now.
HEIDI. All finished with your sandwich?
TED. Yes. You can take the plate away. Thank you.
HEIDI. Sure thing. Be right back.
HANS. (comes out from behind the bar with a menu)Here’s our specials for dinner in case you want to come back later Mr. Halpern.
TED. (glances at the menu)Nah, probably not. I’m usually in a different restaurant every night for dinner.
HANS. Oh yes, variety is the spice of life. Well in that case we are very flattered you come to our little bistro every day for lunch. And we appreciate you being a regular customer.
TED. My pleasure.
HANS. (as Heidi returns with the hot chocolate)And we would really appreciate it if you would tell some of your friends about us.
TED. Oh I couldn’t possibly do that.
HANS. Why not?
TED. It’s what I like about the place…it’s never crowded.
HEIDI. He’s got you there dad. Why can’t we just throw in the towel and close up this mausoleum so I can get a real job? This place is emptier than the inbox on my online dating website. If it wasn’t for Mister Halpern here we wouldn’t have any customers.
HANS. (from back behind bar)Would you cut that out, you’re beginning to sound just like your mother.
WENDI. (0ff from kitchen)I heard that!
HANS. (yelling into kitchen)How could you hear that, you’re in the kitchen?
WENDI. (she enters from kitchen)The intercom you installed under the bar. (to Heidi) And I thought I told you to stay off those internet dating websites. They’re dangerous. You know how many horror stories I’ve heard about them?
HEIDI. And exactly how am I supposed to meet men, mother?
WENDI. Live and in person. Just the way I met your father. When you see him you’ll know it.(to Ted)Oh Hi Mr. Halpern. Did you enjoy your lunch?
TED. Absolutely suberb! You outdid yourself today.
WENDI. Why thank you. It’s good to know that some people around here appreciate my cooking.
HANS. What’s all the fuss? It was a grilled cheese sandwich.
TED. But the cheese was melted in just the right manner. One should never underestimate the skill of making a perfect grilled cheese sandwich.
WENDI. You should try it with some bacon and tomato. Live a little.
TED. Excellent suggestion. Perhaps tomorrow. You know since I’ve been dining here I could swear that you and I have met somewhere before?
WENDI. No I don’t think so.
TED. We’ll I’m looking forward to another delicious grilled cheese sandwich, with bacon and tomato, for lunch tomorrow.
WENDI. Couldn’t you have it now? If business doesn’t start picking up we may be closed by tomorrow.
HEIDI. Oh stop trying to cheer me up ma.
HANS. (to Wendi)You see. You see that attitude. Where do you think she gets it from? Making fun of our livelihood.
WENDI. Livelihood? Livelihood? Is that what you call this great idea of yours? We opened up a Swiss Restaurant in the middle of Crown Heights, Brooklyn. A Swiss restaurant in the middle of the biggest Hassidic conclave on the East Coast. Who ever heard of a Swiss restaurant in Brooklyn?
HEIDI. Who ever heard of a Swiss restaurant anywhere?
HANS. I thought it was a fantastic idea.
HEIDI,WENDI and TED. Why?
HANS. No competition.
WENDI. All we sell is grilled cheese and hot chocolate! My Uncle Siegfried left us that money to start a good solid business and now it’s all pissed away.
HANS. Your Uncle Siegfried, your Uncle Siegfried, that’s all I ever hear!
WENDI. He was a great man. A wealthy man. Why couldn’t you follow his example?
HANS. He was a clock maker in Germany and we already have enough cuckoos around here! Maybe if you were a better cook…?
WENDI. What? A better cook? Mr. Halpern loves my grilled cheese! Maybe if you had a menu that made any sense…
HEIDI. Mom, dad, would you stop arguing in front of the customer!
HANS. Heidi is right. This bickering is getting us nowhere.
WENDI. This isn’t bickering. It’s fighting. You want bickering, we’ll play Monopoly later.
HEIDI. Enough you two.
TED. I think I’ll take my check now.
WENDI. (to Ted)Stay where you are, we’ll take a customer poll.(she goes to get the dinner menu as Heidi makes out his check)
HEIDI. (writing the check)Let’s see, that was one grilled cheese and three cups of hot chocolate, right.
TED. Correct.
WENDI. (as Heidi hands him the check)Here Mr. Haplern. Look at these dinner specials my husband picked out. Swiss omelete, sauerbraten and cabbage, baked Swiss liver and onions, I mean, would you order any of this?
TED. The Alps Avocado salad looks okay.
HANS. Alright, we all get the picture. I’m trying to stay true to the nature of Swiss cuisine that’s all. What do you want me to serve, pizza?
HEIDI. Could we?
HANS. No we couldn’t. This is America, the melting pot. Land of diversity and mixed cultures. And New York, where the culinary tastes of many different regions are evident.
WENDI. And while we’re waiting for everyone to learn to appreciate the culinary expertise of the Swiss people, how are we going to pay this month’s rent? Joey Tarazzi isn’t going to wait forever you know.
TED. (to Heidi) Who’s Joey Tarazzi?
HEIDI. Our skinflint slum landlord.
TED. Oh.
WENDI. (to Ted)You see once upon a time this used to be a very successful Italian Restaurant. But the more successful it got, the more Tarazzi raised the rent every year when it came up for renewal . That skinflint never gave them more than just a one year lease. After a year or so they asked for a five year lease because they had proven themselves. But Tarazzi refused and the owners figured they could be successful anywhere and moved out West . I think California, although it could be Arizona.
HEIDI. Or maybe they just moved back to Italy!
HANS. Here she goes again.
HEIDI. Oh, could you imagine, a nice little restaurant overlooking the Mediterranean? How romantic. Me sitting there enjoying the view! Some nice young, handsome Italian waiter taking my order. Maybe we exchange a knowing glance during dinner and later on he agrees to show me the sights. He’s really a talented artist who’s just waiting tables until his creative genius is discovered. Our eyes meet over a glass of Merlot. One thing leads to another and… Imagine, me, little Heidi Segrum from Brooklyn, living in an Italian Chalet.
HANS. Okay, no more Batchlorette for you young lady. Back to reality.
WENDI. Reality being that Joey Tarazzi can’t wait to get us out of here so she can turn over the place and the rent can be raised again.
TED. What do you mean?
WENDI. After the previous tenants moved out of this place it sat empty for two years. We negotiated a sweet ten year lease because Tarazzi was desperate for some income. Ever since she has been trying to break the lease. She shows up at all hours of the day and night unannounced looking for any tiny little infraction she can find. We figure she must have gotten wind of that new movie theater opening up the street. We’re the only restaurant on the block. Probably figures on re- negotiating a better lease with another restaurant.
TED. Makes sense I guess. But won’t the new theater also help your establishment?
HANS. Sure it will. If we can stay in business till it opens.
TED. When is it scheduled to open?
WENDI. About three months.
HANS. The only other business around here is the Brooklyn Sentinel building around the block. The last surviving newspaper in Brooklyn.
TED. Yes, I’m familiar with it. Lived in Brooklyn my whole life.
(Joey Tarazzi enters)
HEIDI. Speak of the devil.
TED. Who is it?
HEIDI. The Landlord, (to Joey in a mocking tone)Joey Tarrazi,
JOEY. That’s right, who wants to know?
TED. I don’t get it.
JOEY. Get what, a decent meal at this place? Don’t worry, nobody does.
TED. That wasn’t what I was referring to.
JOEY. Oh, the name, the Joey part, it’s short for…
TED. Don’t tell me, Josephine right?
JOEY. No, actually it’s Alicia.
TED. Now I really don’t get it.
JOEY. When I was a kid I had this stuffed baby kangaroo. They call baby Kangaroos Joeys. I carried that doll around so much my family just started referring to me as baby and Joey. Finally they dropped the baby and just started calling me Joey. Now you get it?
TED. No, but I’m sure a good psychiatrist would. Well, I must be going. (he exits)
JOEY. So how’s business? Or the lack of it.
HANS. We’re doing just fine Joey, and the rent isn’t due for another two weeks so to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit? Stop in for lunch? Or maybe you want to look at the leaking faucet in the kitchen and schedule a repair?
JOEY. Hardly. Just wanted to check up on things. See if everything is going okay. See if all restaurant regulations and ordinances are being followed.
HEIDI. Why, did you suddenly get a job with the Board of Health?
JOEY. I just want to know that my tenants are running a clean shop, that’s all. No pun intended of course.
HANS. You’re a real sweetheart Joey. But don’t you have a house to foreclose on around the block or something? I can’t imagine you just have time to hang around and do nothing?
JOEY. Of course I do, I’m a landlord.
HANS. Well as you can see, we’re pretty busy around here.
JOEY. Oh sure you are!
HEIDI. (Heidi starts to laugh)Yeah, I’d ask you to help with the dirty dishes if we had any.
HANS. Keep it up Heidi, and the only Italian Chalet you’ll be near will be in Disney World. And you’ll be waiting tables there!
JOEY. At least she’ll have customers. You see, that’s what I mean. The kid’s absolutely right. Why don’t you just cut your losses and move on. This restaurant is a flop! Why don’t you go back to your old occupation. What was your old occupation anyway?WENDI. He was a saxophone player in a strip club in Greenwich Village.
HEIDI. Yeah, that’s where he met you mom.
TED. That’s where I remember you from! See you tomorrow!
(He exits)
WENDI. I was working my way through college.
JOEY. Well, they’re always looking for Limo drivers around town.
HANS. And what about the ten year lease we signed?
JOEY. Forget about the lease! What’s a ten year lease among friends? I’ll tear it up. We part amicably. I’ll even refund the last two weeks rent to help you out on your next venture. What do you say?
WENDI. Two whole weeks? You’re all heart.
JOEY. I’m offering you a lifeboat on a sinking ship.
HANS. Forget it. We’re not giving up! We’ll fight on, never give up the battle. We’re Segrums, from Switzerland!
HEIDI. Fight on? I thought Switzerland was neutral?
WENDI. (frustrated)Our ancestors were from Switzerland Hans. Actually mine were from Germany. You’re second generation American and I’m third. Maybe we should think about Joey’s offer.
HANS. Never.
JOEY. I think you should listen to lap dance Lucy there because when the next rent comes due I’m not going to be as nice as I am now. I expect my rent on time. And you know what happens if you miss two payments in a row…
HANS. Don’t worry, you’ll get your pound of flesh. ..I’ll be downstairs taking inventory. Call me when the dinner rush starts.(he exits to basement)
JOEY. The dinner rush isn’t going to start until every other restaurant in Brooklyn closes.
HEIDI. Thanks for rubbing it in. Do you think you could look at the faucet while you’re here harassing us?
JOEY. No. I just had my nails done. Listen. I know what you think of me. Cold hearted, greedy landlord only looking out for herself.
WENDI. That’s pretty close, yeah.
JOEY. I made you a good offer. If you don’t take it well, it’s not my fault. It’s a tough economy out there. I’d hate to see you three living on the street.(she exits)
HEIDI. Maybe we could move in with some of your relatives in Switzerland.(As she looks through newspaper Mr. Halpern left)
WENDI. Look, this looney restaurant was your father's idea. This is his dream! But with only Mr. Halpern as a customer we aren't going to last another week. We’ve got to do something. And fast.
HEIDI. (referring to newspaper)Here’s what you need. A good review from Theodore Halperninni, food critic for The Sentinel.
WENDI. What’s he gonna review, the amount of marshmallows in the hot chocolate? The consistency of the grilled cheese? What we need is a menu that is going to bring people in. We need to create a word of mouth customer base. You know people come in, have a fabulous dinner and then go home and tell all their friends.(picks up menu) And this isn't going to cut it.
(The sound of a saxophone playing a striptease {a song similar to Night train} can be heard from the basement)
WENDI. There he goes again. Every time he gets stressed out he starts playing that saxophone. I’ll close the door downstairs, we wouldn’t want any customers thinking we have pole dancers in the basement.
HEIDI. What customers mom? (looks at menu and shakes her head)
ARMANDO. (He speaks with an Italian accent, looks up to heaven and blesses himself)We are a herea! We are finally a herea! …(walks up to Wendi)You musta be a cousin Isabella…..(he starts kissing her hand)Buona sera! Buona sera!
WENDI. I’m afraid you’re mistaken young man. My name is Wendi.
ARMANDO. A Wendi? What kinda name is that for an Italian?
(Wendi shoots Heidi a look and exits to basement as shouting in Italian is heard from offstage)
Scusi una secundo.
(he goes to front door and calls out)
Papa, Aspetta, I’m a talkin to da senora. Eh gobish? Ah good. Una minutoe, una minto, paya the cab driva!
(He returns to Heidi as Wendi re- enters from basement)
Scusi, senora, my papa.
HEIDI. (picks up a menu and hands it to Armando)May I help you sir? Would you like to place an order for take out?
WENDI. I don’t think he’s here for lunch honey.
ARMANDO. Manjarre’ no, no, no…I no here to eata, I herea to lavorro, to a worka.
HEIDI. Are you from Italy?
ARMANDO. Si. I’ma froma Sicilia. Sicily.
HEIDI. Really, how exciting! What’s your name?
ARMANDO. Me nome’, Armando.
HEIDI. OOOhh, how continental! How European…how… how….(a sigh)romantic!
WENDI. Oh boy, I better call your father.(she goes to basement door)
ARMANDO. Such a beauty I have never seen..a facia bella! Pleasa tell me your nota my cousin Isabella…
WENDI. (screaming from off)Hans, get up here!
HEIDI. No, my name is Heidi.
ARMANDO. Heidi? Thatsa pretty name, Are you Italiano? I’ma confused.
HEIDI. Me, oh no. I’m just an American.
ARMANDO. Americana beauty…(he kisses her hand as Hans enters)
HANS. What’s all the commotion?
WENDI. (as she pulls Heidi away)Calm down there Romeo.
(more shouting in Italian from papa off stage)
Scusi one second.
(goes to door)
PAPA. (from off)Armando, que causa?
ARMANDO. (to off)Uno minuto papa…I’ma talkin to the people, aspetta, , have a gelato, watcha the luggage..(back in restaurant)
HANS. Watcha the luggage!?
WENDI. This doesn’t sound good.
HEIDI. Sounds great to me.
ARMANDO. I apologiza. My papa, he’s a very tired afta the longa trip to get herea. Wella, now we are a heara, so… where is everybody?
HANS. Everybody’s right here.
ARMANDO. (to Hans)Are you Italiano?
HANS. No I’m Swiss!
ARMANDO. Ah, Swiss, now we are getin a closa, right over the Alps.
WENDI. We’re not Swiss, we’re American.
ARMANDO. Americano, now I’ma confused again.
WENDI. Not as confused as we are.
ARMANDO. This is a restaurant, si?
WENDI. Si.
ARMANDO. (Shows Hans a paper)This is a the righta adressa, Si? Crowna Heights, Brookaleen, New Yorka?
HANS. (Looks at paper)Yeah, this is the right adressa…I mean address.
ARMANDO. Me no cabisha, where are all the italiano’s?
HEIDI. Rome?
ARMANDO. Thisa restaurant, itsa da right adressa, this is not the ‘Casa Valencia?’
HANS. Casa Valencia? Oh no, no. Now I understand…You’re looking for the previous owners…They’re gone. They moved out over two years ago. We just took over this place. It’s a Swiss restaurant now!
ARMANDO. Swissa Restauranta? (He starts to laugh) You gotta be kiddin. I never evena heard of a Swissa restauranta.
HEIDI. Join the club.
ARMANDO. Not even ina Switzerland.
WENDI. What did I tell you Hans?
HANS. All right everybody knock it off. Look, I’m sorry…what did you say your name was?
HEIDI. (beaming) Armando!
ARMANDO. Si , Armando. Armando Valenza, froma Sicilia. You seea my cousins, they coma here froma Sicilia about eight years ago. They starta this restaurant in America. They write to my Aunta Rosa that if anyone wants a joba, then come to Brookaleen to starta workin. So me and my Papa, how do usaya, my padrino, grandpa always want to see America, so we are heara to go to worka!
HANS. I’m very sorry but your cousins are no longer here. They moved out West somewhere. Maybe California?
ARMANDO. California? Hollywooda? Ah, theyra all potsa out there…Crazy a movie stars!
HANS. Yeah well, it’s a living I guess. In any event they didn’t leave a forwarding address with us so unless you have any other cousins in Brooklyn…
ARMANDO. You kiddin, Ima italiano. I gotta plenty of cousins. Buta they are alla back in Sicily.
HANS. Then I’m afraid you’re out of luck Armando.
ARMANDO. Manega realo. Now what am I a gonna do? Me and my papa, we spenta all our money to getta hear. We got nothing left. We got nowhere to astaya...
WENDI. Can’t you wire for money from back home? You know from your cousins?
ARMANDO. They’re nota that kinda cousins. (Optional, he pulls out and opens a switchblade)You donta wanta borrow money froma them, believe me. Their stilla Sicilliano! Oh manega!
HEIDI. What does he mean?
HANS. You don’t want to know.
ARMANDO. What area we gonna do nowa? Me and my papa? Liva on the streets? It getsa cold in Brookleen.
HEIDI. Why can’t they stay with us?
HANS. What are you talking about?
HEIDI. The little apartment you have in the basement. You set up an extra cot and they’re all set to go.
HANS. But I use that as my office.
WENDI. You use that to play your saxophone Hans.
HANS. Out of the question! We don’t know these people.
ARMANDO. Buta senore, we coulda be a biga help around hera. My Papa, he’s an expert cook in Italia.
WENDI. But I do all the cooking!
ARMANDO. (He picks up the menu)Is thisa the menu? No wonder nobody’s ina here. You gonna need a lota helpa.
HANS. I don’t think so.
(More yelling from outside in Italian)
ARMANDO. Scusi una momento(he goes to door)Alrighta papa, keepa you shirta on! Manega!(he exits)
HEIDI. Come on dad, why don’t you let them stay here a while till they get on they’re feet.
WENDI. Honey, they’re complete strangers. We don’t know anything about them.
HEIDI. Of course you know them. You’ve seen “The Godfather”.
HANS. That’s what I’m afraid of.
HEIDI. Look, the father knows how to cook. Maybe he can spice up the menu a little. Armando can help me wait tables. You both know this Swiss Restaurant idea isn’t working!WENDI. She may have a point Hans. Joey wants us out of here and if business doesn’t pick up soon, she’s gonna get her wish. As much as I thought this restaurant idea was crazy, we’re here now and I think we should do everything we can to make it work. Everyone likes good Italian food. We give them a place to stay in exchange for their cooking expertise. We’ll put them in the basement and see what happens. Although I’m not sure I want that Armando around you Heidi.
HEIDI. Mother, I am not a child any more. I’m twenty two years old!
WENDI. In American years your twenty two years old. In Sicialian years you’re thirty -five, hot and already been divorced twice!
HANS. Your mother’s right.
HEIDI. Dad, look at this place. We’ve got three empty tables in here another twelve in the back catering room.
HANS. I was going to rent the back room out for kid’s birthday parties. You know, do my old ‘Swisso the clown routine.” Face painting, balloon animals.
HEIDI. You did a Swiss clown routine?
WENDI. Back in college between gigs. It wasn’t very good.
HANS. That’s your opinion.
HEIDI. Yeah, I really don’t think the clown act is gonna help much Dad. We aren’t going to make it on grilled cheese sandwiches and hot chocolate, we have to do something or just give up and give Joey Terazzi her keys back.
ARMANDO. (Back in doorway to Papa)I already aska them papa. But the man, he kinda tough egga. You betta pick out a warm subway gratea. Find a big empty boxa to live in.
HEIDI. Daddy!?!WENDI. Hans!?!
ARMANDO. (Hands Hans a pastry)Here trya this. Papa baked this and bring it with him from Sicilia. Be careful, There isa rum in there to preserve it for the trip.
(they each taste it)
WENDI. Hans, this is delicious!
HEIDI. (to Armando)Oh my God, you’re incredible…I mean this pastry is incredible!
HANS. You know, this is pretty good, but your uh, Papa cooks Italian. This is supposed to be a Swiss restaurant.
WENDI. Hans, I know you wanted to open a Swiss restaurant but Italian food sells! This could be our last chance to salvage this business. (To Armando) This is really delicious!
ARMANDO. And thatsa justa the dessert….(suggestively to Heidi) you shoulda taste his maina disha…..I meana the veala saltinbuca isa outa thisa worlda! There isa nothing my Papa can’t cook or bake!
(Wendi and Heidi look at Hans expectantly)
HEIDI. Daddy?
WENDI. Hans?
ARMANDO. Seniore
HANS. Alright, alright. They can stay the night. We’ll have your Papa cook up some specials tonight and we'll advertise them in the window. If the food is good and we get some customers in here, we’ll see about letting you stay longer. But what about Joey Tarazzi.? If she finds out we’re hiding Sicillians in the basement we’re all going to be living in a biga box over a subway gratea!ARMANDO. (shaking Han’s hand vigorously)Gracia, senor Gracia. Buta who is thisa Joey Tarazzi?
HEIDI. The landlord who is looking for any excuse to throw us out of here.
ARMANDO. Don’ta youa worry. We’ll be as quiet as ‘pepino’ the Italian mouse.
HANS. Alright, follow me. We’ll take you down through the outside entrance.
ARMANDO. (running to front door he yells out)Papa, he’s a gonna let usa stay in da basement! Andare!
HANS. Armando quiet! What happened to Pepino the Italian mouse?
ARMANDO. Scusi, ima so sorry. Justa gotta a little excited.
HANS. Come on, follow me.
(Hans and Armando exit through front door)
HEIDI. Wow! Real Italian food just like in Italy!!
WENDI. Cooked by real Italians! An authentic Italian restaurant in Crown Heights!
(Pause)
HEIDI. This is never gonna work is it?
WENDI. I better get the clown suit out of the attic.
End Scene 1
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PRODUCTION HISTORY First Ave. Playhouse NJ 2013 (premiere) Full Cup Theatre NYC 2014 Cultural Park Theatre FL 2015 Little Victory Theatre NYC 2016 Lemon Bay playhouse Fl 2023 SAMPLE DIALOUGE: CHARACTERS
Hans Segrum - mid fiftiesWendi Segrum - late fortiesHeidi Segrum - early twentiesJoey Tarazzi - (female) forties or olderArmando Valenza - mid twenties Ted Halpern - forty or upPapa - (offstage voice that can be played by stage manager)
ACT 1SCENE 1SETTING: A small restaurant. Three small tables with chairs are evident. The main entrance is up left. The Back room and basement are up right. The entrance to the kitchen is back center behind a small service bar. Main entrance is up left.
AT RISE Mr. Halpern is sitting at a table sipping from a coffee cup as Hans is behind the bar listening to a traditional song featuring some yodeling.
HEIDI. (out from kitchen, (to Hans)Really Dad?(she turns off music from behind the bar)More hot chocolate Mr. Halpern?
TED. No thanks. Three cups is enough. I’m good for now.
HEIDI. All finished with your sandwich?
TED. Yes. You can take the plate away. Thank you.
HEIDI. Sure thing. Be right back.
HANS. (comes out from behind the bar with a menu)Here’s our specials for dinner in case you want to come back later Mr. Halpern.
TED. (glances at the menu)Nah, probably not. I’m usually in a different restaurant every night for dinner.
HANS. Oh yes, variety is the spice of life. Well in that case we are very flattered you come to our little bistro every day for lunch. And we appreciate you being a regular customer.
TED. My pleasure.
HANS. (as Heidi returns with the hot chocolate)And we would really appreciate it if you would tell some of your friends about us.
TED. Oh I couldn’t possibly do that.
HANS. Why not?
TED. It’s what I like about the place…it’s never crowded.
HEIDI. He’s got you there dad. Why can’t we just throw in the towel and close up this mausoleum so I can get a real job? This place is emptier than the inbox on my online dating website. If it wasn’t for Mister Halpern here we wouldn’t have any customers.
HANS. (from back behind bar)Would you cut that out, you’re beginning to sound just like your mother.
WENDI. (0ff from kitchen)I heard that!
HANS. (yelling into kitchen)How could you hear that, you’re in the kitchen?
WENDI. (she enters from kitchen)The intercom you installed under the bar. (to Heidi) And I thought I told you to stay off those internet dating websites. They’re dangerous. You know how many horror stories I’ve heard about them?
HEIDI. And exactly how am I supposed to meet men, mother?
WENDI. Live and in person. Just the way I met your father. When you see him you’ll know it.(to Ted)Oh Hi Mr. Halpern. Did you enjoy your lunch?
TED. Absolutely suberb! You outdid yourself today.
WENDI. Why thank you. It’s good to know that some people around here appreciate my cooking.
HANS. What’s all the fuss? It was a grilled cheese sandwich.
TED. But the cheese was melted in just the right manner. One should never underestimate the skill of making a perfect grilled cheese sandwich.
WENDI. You should try it with some bacon and tomato. Live a little.
TED. Excellent suggestion. Perhaps tomorrow. You know since I’ve been dining here I could swear that you and I have met somewhere before?
WENDI. No I don’t think so.
TED. We’ll I’m looking forward to another delicious grilled cheese sandwich, with bacon and tomato, for lunch tomorrow.
WENDI. Couldn’t you have it now? If business doesn’t start picking up we may be closed by tomorrow.
HEIDI. Oh stop trying to cheer me up ma.
HANS. (to Wendi)You see. You see that attitude. Where do you think she gets it from? Making fun of our livelihood.
WENDI. Livelihood? Livelihood? Is that what you call this great idea of yours? We opened up a Swiss Restaurant in the middle of Crown Heights, Brooklyn. A Swiss restaurant in the middle of the biggest Hassidic conclave on the East Coast. Who ever heard of a Swiss restaurant in Brooklyn?
HEIDI. Who ever heard of a Swiss restaurant anywhere?
HANS. I thought it was a fantastic idea.
HEIDI,WENDI and TED. Why?
HANS. No competition.
WENDI. All we sell is grilled cheese and hot chocolate! My Uncle Siegfried left us that money to start a good solid business and now it’s all pissed away.
HANS. Your Uncle Siegfried, your Uncle Siegfried, that’s all I ever hear!
WENDI. He was a great man. A wealthy man. Why couldn’t you follow his example?
HANS. He was a clock maker in Germany and we already have enough cuckoos around here! Maybe if you were a better cook…?
WENDI. What? A better cook? Mr. Halpern loves my grilled cheese! Maybe if you had a menu that made any sense…
HEIDI. Mom, dad, would you stop arguing in front of the customer!
HANS. Heidi is right. This bickering is getting us nowhere.
WENDI. This isn’t bickering. It’s fighting. You want bickering, we’ll play Monopoly later.
HEIDI. Enough you two.
TED. I think I’ll take my check now.
WENDI. (to Ted)Stay where you are, we’ll take a customer poll.(she goes to get the dinner menu as Heidi makes out his check)
HEIDI. (writing the check)Let’s see, that was one grilled cheese and three cups of hot chocolate, right.
TED. Correct.
WENDI. (as Heidi hands him the check)Here Mr. Haplern. Look at these dinner specials my husband picked out. Swiss omelete, sauerbraten and cabbage, baked Swiss liver and onions, I mean, would you order any of this?
TED. The Alps Avocado salad looks okay.
HANS. Alright, we all get the picture. I’m trying to stay true to the nature of Swiss cuisine that’s all. What do you want me to serve, pizza?
HEIDI. Could we?
HANS. No we couldn’t. This is America, the melting pot. Land of diversity and mixed cultures. And New York, where the culinary tastes of many different regions are evident.
WENDI. And while we’re waiting for everyone to learn to appreciate the culinary expertise of the Swiss people, how are we going to pay this month’s rent? Joey Tarazzi isn’t going to wait forever you know.
TED. (to Heidi) Who’s Joey Tarazzi?
HEIDI. Our skinflint slum landlord.
TED. Oh.
WENDI. (to Ted)You see once upon a time this used to be a very successful Italian Restaurant. But the more successful it got, the more Tarazzi raised the rent every year when it came up for renewal . That skinflint never gave them more than just a one year lease. After a year or so they asked for a five year lease because they had proven themselves. But Tarazzi refused and the owners figured they could be successful anywhere and moved out West . I think California, although it could be Arizona.
HEIDI. Or maybe they just moved back to Italy!
HANS. Here she goes again.
HEIDI. Oh, could you imagine, a nice little restaurant overlooking the Mediterranean? How romantic. Me sitting there enjoying the view! Some nice young, handsome Italian waiter taking my order. Maybe we exchange a knowing glance during dinner and later on he agrees to show me the sights. He’s really a talented artist who’s just waiting tables until his creative genius is discovered. Our eyes meet over a glass of Merlot. One thing leads to another and… Imagine, me, little Heidi Segrum from Brooklyn, living in an Italian Chalet.
HANS. Okay, no more Batchlorette for you young lady. Back to reality.
WENDI. Reality being that Joey Tarazzi can’t wait to get us out of here so she can turn over the place and the rent can be raised again.
TED. What do you mean?
WENDI. After the previous tenants moved out of this place it sat empty for two years. We negotiated a sweet ten year lease because Tarazzi was desperate for some income. Ever since she has been trying to break the lease. She shows up at all hours of the day and night unannounced looking for any tiny little infraction she can find. We figure she must have gotten wind of that new movie theater opening up the street. We’re the only restaurant on the block. Probably figures on re- negotiating a better lease with another restaurant.
TED. Makes sense I guess. But won’t the new theater also help your establishment?
HANS. Sure it will. If we can stay in business till it opens.
TED. When is it scheduled to open?
WENDI. About three months.
HANS. The only other business around here is the Brooklyn Sentinel building around the block. The last surviving newspaper in Brooklyn.
TED. Yes, I’m familiar with it. Lived in Brooklyn my whole life.
(Joey Tarazzi enters)
HEIDI. Speak of the devil.
TED. Who is it?
HEIDI. The Landlord, (to Joey in a mocking tone)Joey Tarrazi,
JOEY. That’s right, who wants to know?
TED. I don’t get it.
JOEY. Get what, a decent meal at this place? Don’t worry, nobody does.
TED. That wasn’t what I was referring to.
JOEY. Oh, the name, the Joey part, it’s short for…
TED. Don’t tell me, Josephine right?
JOEY. No, actually it’s Alicia.
TED. Now I really don’t get it.
JOEY. When I was a kid I had this stuffed baby kangaroo. They call baby Kangaroos Joeys. I carried that doll around so much my family just started referring to me as baby and Joey. Finally they dropped the baby and just started calling me Joey. Now you get it?
TED. No, but I’m sure a good psychiatrist would. Well, I must be going. (he exits)
JOEY. So how’s business? Or the lack of it.
HANS. We’re doing just fine Joey, and the rent isn’t due for another two weeks so to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit? Stop in for lunch? Or maybe you want to look at the leaking faucet in the kitchen and schedule a repair?
JOEY. Hardly. Just wanted to check up on things. See if everything is going okay. See if all restaurant regulations and ordinances are being followed.
HEIDI. Why, did you suddenly get a job with the Board of Health?
JOEY. I just want to know that my tenants are running a clean shop, that’s all. No pun intended of course.
HANS. You’re a real sweetheart Joey. But don’t you have a house to foreclose on around the block or something? I can’t imagine you just have time to hang around and do nothing?
JOEY. Of course I do, I’m a landlord.
HANS. Well as you can see, we’re pretty busy around here.
JOEY. Oh sure you are!
HEIDI. (Heidi starts to laugh)Yeah, I’d ask you to help with the dirty dishes if we had any.
HANS. Keep it up Heidi, and the only Italian Chalet you’ll be near will be in Disney World. And you’ll be waiting tables there!
JOEY. At least she’ll have customers. You see, that’s what I mean. The kid’s absolutely right. Why don’t you just cut your losses and move on. This restaurant is a flop! Why don’t you go back to your old occupation. What was your old occupation anyway?WENDI. He was a saxophone player in a strip club in Greenwich Village.
HEIDI. Yeah, that’s where he met you mom.
TED. That’s where I remember you from! See you tomorrow!
(He exits)
WENDI. I was working my way through college.
JOEY. Well, they’re always looking for Limo drivers around town.
HANS. And what about the ten year lease we signed?
JOEY. Forget about the lease! What’s a ten year lease among friends? I’ll tear it up. We part amicably. I’ll even refund the last two weeks rent to help you out on your next venture. What do you say?
WENDI. Two whole weeks? You’re all heart.
JOEY. I’m offering you a lifeboat on a sinking ship.
HANS. Forget it. We’re not giving up! We’ll fight on, never give up the battle. We’re Segrums, from Switzerland!
HEIDI. Fight on? I thought Switzerland was neutral?
WENDI. (frustrated)Our ancestors were from Switzerland Hans. Actually mine were from Germany. You’re second generation American and I’m third. Maybe we should think about Joey’s offer.
HANS. Never.
JOEY. I think you should listen to lap dance Lucy there because when the next rent comes due I’m not going to be as nice as I am now. I expect my rent on time. And you know what happens if you miss two payments in a row…
HANS. Don’t worry, you’ll get your pound of flesh. ..I’ll be downstairs taking inventory. Call me when the dinner rush starts.(he exits to basement)
JOEY. The dinner rush isn’t going to start until every other restaurant in Brooklyn closes.
HEIDI. Thanks for rubbing it in. Do you think you could look at the faucet while you’re here harassing us?
JOEY. No. I just had my nails done. Listen. I know what you think of me. Cold hearted, greedy landlord only looking out for herself.
WENDI. That’s pretty close, yeah.
JOEY. I made you a good offer. If you don’t take it well, it’s not my fault. It’s a tough economy out there. I’d hate to see you three living on the street.(she exits)
HEIDI. Maybe we could move in with some of your relatives in Switzerland.(As she looks through newspaper Mr. Halpern left)
WENDI. Look, this looney restaurant was your father's idea. This is his dream! But with only Mr. Halpern as a customer we aren't going to last another week. We’ve got to do something. And fast.
HEIDI. (referring to newspaper)Here’s what you need. A good review from Theodore Halperninni, food critic for The Sentinel.
WENDI. What’s he gonna review, the amount of marshmallows in the hot chocolate? The consistency of the grilled cheese? What we need is a menu that is going to bring people in. We need to create a word of mouth customer base. You know people come in, have a fabulous dinner and then go home and tell all their friends.(picks up menu) And this isn't going to cut it.
(The sound of a saxophone playing a striptease {a song similar to Night train} can be heard from the basement)
WENDI. There he goes again. Every time he gets stressed out he starts playing that saxophone. I’ll close the door downstairs, we wouldn’t want any customers thinking we have pole dancers in the basement.
HEIDI. What customers mom? (looks at menu and shakes her head)
ARMANDO. (He speaks with an Italian accent, looks up to heaven and blesses himself)We are a herea! We are finally a herea! …(walks up to Wendi)You musta be a cousin Isabella…..(he starts kissing her hand)Buona sera! Buona sera!
WENDI. I’m afraid you’re mistaken young man. My name is Wendi.
ARMANDO. A Wendi? What kinda name is that for an Italian?
(Wendi shoots Heidi a look and exits to basement as shouting in Italian is heard from offstage)
Scusi una secundo.
(he goes to front door and calls out)
Papa, Aspetta, I’m a talkin to da senora. Eh gobish? Ah good. Una minutoe, una minto, paya the cab driva!
(He returns to Heidi as Wendi re- enters from basement)
Scusi, senora, my papa.
HEIDI. (picks up a menu and hands it to Armando)May I help you sir? Would you like to place an order for take out?
WENDI. I don’t think he’s here for lunch honey.
ARMANDO. Manjarre’ no, no, no…I no here to eata, I herea to lavorro, to a worka.
HEIDI. Are you from Italy?
ARMANDO. Si. I’ma froma Sicilia. Sicily.
HEIDI. Really, how exciting! What’s your name?
ARMANDO. Me nome’, Armando.
HEIDI. OOOhh, how continental! How European…how… how….(a sigh)romantic!
WENDI. Oh boy, I better call your father.(she goes to basement door)
ARMANDO. Such a beauty I have never seen..a facia bella! Pleasa tell me your nota my cousin Isabella…
WENDI. (screaming from off)Hans, get up here!
HEIDI. No, my name is Heidi.
ARMANDO. Heidi? Thatsa pretty name, Are you Italiano? I’ma confused.
HEIDI. Me, oh no. I’m just an American.
ARMANDO. Americana beauty…(he kisses her hand as Hans enters)
HANS. What’s all the commotion?
WENDI. (as she pulls Heidi away)Calm down there Romeo.
(more shouting in Italian from papa off stage)
Scusi one second.
(goes to door)
PAPA. (from off)Armando, que causa?
ARMANDO. (to off)Uno minuto papa…I’ma talkin to the people, aspetta, , have a gelato, watcha the luggage..(back in restaurant)
HANS. Watcha the luggage!?
WENDI. This doesn’t sound good.
HEIDI. Sounds great to me.
ARMANDO. I apologiza. My papa, he’s a very tired afta the longa trip to get herea. Wella, now we are a heara, so… where is everybody?
HANS. Everybody’s right here.
ARMANDO. (to Hans)Are you Italiano?
HANS. No I’m Swiss!
ARMANDO. Ah, Swiss, now we are getin a closa, right over the Alps.
WENDI. We’re not Swiss, we’re American.
ARMANDO. Americano, now I’ma confused again.
WENDI. Not as confused as we are.
ARMANDO. This is a restaurant, si?
WENDI. Si.
ARMANDO. (Shows Hans a paper)This is a the righta adressa, Si? Crowna Heights, Brookaleen, New Yorka?
HANS. (Looks at paper)Yeah, this is the right adressa…I mean address.
ARMANDO. Me no cabisha, where are all the italiano’s?
HEIDI. Rome?
ARMANDO. Thisa restaurant, itsa da right adressa, this is not the ‘Casa Valencia?’
HANS. Casa Valencia? Oh no, no. Now I understand…You’re looking for the previous owners…They’re gone. They moved out over two years ago. We just took over this place. It’s a Swiss restaurant now!
ARMANDO. Swissa Restauranta? (He starts to laugh) You gotta be kiddin. I never evena heard of a Swissa restauranta.
HEIDI. Join the club.
ARMANDO. Not even ina Switzerland.
WENDI. What did I tell you Hans?
HANS. All right everybody knock it off. Look, I’m sorry…what did you say your name was?
HEIDI. (beaming) Armando!
ARMANDO. Si , Armando. Armando Valenza, froma Sicilia. You seea my cousins, they coma here froma Sicilia about eight years ago. They starta this restaurant in America. They write to my Aunta Rosa that if anyone wants a joba, then come to Brookaleen to starta workin. So me and my Papa, how do usaya, my padrino, grandpa always want to see America, so we are heara to go to worka!
HANS. I’m very sorry but your cousins are no longer here. They moved out West somewhere. Maybe California?
ARMANDO. California? Hollywooda? Ah, theyra all potsa out there…Crazy a movie stars!
HANS. Yeah well, it’s a living I guess. In any event they didn’t leave a forwarding address with us so unless you have any other cousins in Brooklyn…
ARMANDO. You kiddin, Ima italiano. I gotta plenty of cousins. Buta they are alla back in Sicily.
HANS. Then I’m afraid you’re out of luck Armando.
ARMANDO. Manega realo. Now what am I a gonna do? Me and my papa, we spenta all our money to getta hear. We got nothing left. We got nowhere to astaya...
WENDI. Can’t you wire for money from back home? You know from your cousins?
ARMANDO. They’re nota that kinda cousins. (Optional, he pulls out and opens a switchblade)You donta wanta borrow money froma them, believe me. Their stilla Sicilliano! Oh manega!
HEIDI. What does he mean?
HANS. You don’t want to know.
ARMANDO. What area we gonna do nowa? Me and my papa? Liva on the streets? It getsa cold in Brookleen.
HEIDI. Why can’t they stay with us?
HANS. What are you talking about?
HEIDI. The little apartment you have in the basement. You set up an extra cot and they’re all set to go.
HANS. But I use that as my office.
WENDI. You use that to play your saxophone Hans.
HANS. Out of the question! We don’t know these people.
ARMANDO. Buta senore, we coulda be a biga help around hera. My Papa, he’s an expert cook in Italia.
WENDI. But I do all the cooking!
ARMANDO. (He picks up the menu)Is thisa the menu? No wonder nobody’s ina here. You gonna need a lota helpa.
HANS. I don’t think so.
(More yelling from outside in Italian)
ARMANDO. Scusi una momento(he goes to door)Alrighta papa, keepa you shirta on! Manega!(he exits)
HEIDI. Come on dad, why don’t you let them stay here a while till they get on they’re feet.
WENDI. Honey, they’re complete strangers. We don’t know anything about them.
HEIDI. Of course you know them. You’ve seen “The Godfather”.
HANS. That’s what I’m afraid of.
HEIDI. Look, the father knows how to cook. Maybe he can spice up the menu a little. Armando can help me wait tables. You both know this Swiss Restaurant idea isn’t working!WENDI. She may have a point Hans. Joey wants us out of here and if business doesn’t pick up soon, she’s gonna get her wish. As much as I thought this restaurant idea was crazy, we’re here now and I think we should do everything we can to make it work. Everyone likes good Italian food. We give them a place to stay in exchange for their cooking expertise. We’ll put them in the basement and see what happens. Although I’m not sure I want that Armando around you Heidi.
HEIDI. Mother, I am not a child any more. I’m twenty two years old!
WENDI. In American years your twenty two years old. In Sicialian years you’re thirty -five, hot and already been divorced twice!
HANS. Your mother’s right.
HEIDI. Dad, look at this place. We’ve got three empty tables in here another twelve in the back catering room.
HANS. I was going to rent the back room out for kid’s birthday parties. You know, do my old ‘Swisso the clown routine.” Face painting, balloon animals.
HEIDI. You did a Swiss clown routine?
WENDI. Back in college between gigs. It wasn’t very good.
HANS. That’s your opinion.
HEIDI. Yeah, I really don’t think the clown act is gonna help much Dad. We aren’t going to make it on grilled cheese sandwiches and hot chocolate, we have to do something or just give up and give Joey Terazzi her keys back.
ARMANDO. (Back in doorway to Papa)I already aska them papa. But the man, he kinda tough egga. You betta pick out a warm subway gratea. Find a big empty boxa to live in.
HEIDI. Daddy!?!WENDI. Hans!?!
ARMANDO. (Hands Hans a pastry)Here trya this. Papa baked this and bring it with him from Sicilia. Be careful, There isa rum in there to preserve it for the trip.
(they each taste it)
WENDI. Hans, this is delicious!
HEIDI. (to Armando)Oh my God, you’re incredible…I mean this pastry is incredible!
HANS. You know, this is pretty good, but your uh, Papa cooks Italian. This is supposed to be a Swiss restaurant.
WENDI. Hans, I know you wanted to open a Swiss restaurant but Italian food sells! This could be our last chance to salvage this business. (To Armando) This is really delicious!
ARMANDO. And thatsa justa the dessert….(suggestively to Heidi) you shoulda taste his maina disha…..I meana the veala saltinbuca isa outa thisa worlda! There isa nothing my Papa can’t cook or bake!
(Wendi and Heidi look at Hans expectantly)
HEIDI. Daddy?
WENDI. Hans?
ARMANDO. Seniore
HANS. Alright, alright. They can stay the night. We’ll have your Papa cook up some specials tonight and we'll advertise them in the window. If the food is good and we get some customers in here, we’ll see about letting you stay longer. But what about Joey Tarazzi.? If she finds out we’re hiding Sicillians in the basement we’re all going to be living in a biga box over a subway gratea!ARMANDO. (shaking Han’s hand vigorously)Gracia, senor Gracia. Buta who is thisa Joey Tarazzi?
HEIDI. The landlord who is looking for any excuse to throw us out of here.
ARMANDO. Don’ta youa worry. We’ll be as quiet as ‘pepino’ the Italian mouse.
HANS. Alright, follow me. We’ll take you down through the outside entrance.
ARMANDO. (running to front door he yells out)Papa, he’s a gonna let usa stay in da basement! Andare!
HANS. Armando quiet! What happened to Pepino the Italian mouse?
ARMANDO. Scusi, ima so sorry. Justa gotta a little excited.
HANS. Come on, follow me.
(Hans and Armando exit through front door)
HEIDI. Wow! Real Italian food just like in Italy!!
WENDI. Cooked by real Italians! An authentic Italian restaurant in Crown Heights!
(Pause)
HEIDI. This is never gonna work is it?
WENDI. I better get the clown suit out of the attic.
End Scene 1