ROMANCE DOT.COM Musical Comedy 3f, 3m
ROMANCE DOT.COM Musical Comedy 3f, 3m
If ever there was a subject for musical comedy it's internet dating, Set in the year 2000, when Alan Fisher meets Katie Bass on an internet dating service, the notes of love are found, keystroke by keystroke. Throw in Alan's pessimistic best friend Bill, his black-sheep father Steve, and Pam's skeptical mother Katie and you have a romantic mix that is sure to entertain. Eleven original songs.
Orchestration as simple as a piano although instruments can be added at the musical directors discretion.
WHAT THE CRITICS SAID:"Romance.com, with words, book and lyrics by Joe Simonelli, is a promising new work...the musical scenes are witty, funny and poignant."Hi Drama Manhattan cable Theatre review program
"...the audience at the performance I attended certainly couldn't get enough of it." Mitch Montgomery- Off-Off Online
"On-line dating was never so hilarious!" Joe Franklin, Bloomberg Radio To purchase this title on Amazon click below https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08BWFWYWG For licensing inquiries on this title, please contact: Joe Simonelli - jsimonelli3@gmail.com / jsimonelli4@aol.com or call 347-355-89891st class Broadway and West End rights thru law office of Gary DaSilva - gary@internationalauthors.com PRODUCTION HISTORY First Ave. Playhouse NJ 2005 (premiere) Richmond Shephard Theatre NYC 2007 Grange Playhouse NJ 2011 Traco Theatre NJ 2011 Full Cup Theatre NJ 2014 Little Victory Theatre NYC 2017 SAMPLE DIALOUGE:CAST
Bill…………………………………..40 -50Alan……………………………….. 35-45Pam…………………………………30-40Linda………………………………..35-45Kate………………………………… 55-70Steve………………………………..60-70 ACT IScene I
SETTING: The respective apartments of Alan Fisher and Pam Bass. The stage is divided in half with an imaginary wall separating stage left and right.Different wallpaper on each side of stage can be used to signify the different apartments; although both will share the same respectivebath, bedroom and kitchen areas which will be an archway back(up) center. Both apartments will have separate front entry doors stage left and right. The usual furniture found in the apartments of a single man and woman should be present. Both apartments should have a small desk with a P.C. or laptop on top. There is one scene change in act one when the action switches to a small café. This can be achieved with something as simple as a small table, two chairs and appropriate lighting or as extensive as a moving center wall.
AT RISE:Lights up full as Bill Wright enters and starts singing the title song.
(Music starts, “Romance.com")
BILL(singing)Romance dot com, it’s kind of funny that you can’t find someone, who isn’t hooked up or who isn’t online, romance dot com.Romance dot com, it’s got a certain kind of gentle aplomb, that only people would assume can’t be done, romance dot com.I know a guy, to find the right one he would fly to the sky, to find his soul mate he would probably try, to take his chances run a marathon, decathlon keep running till he can’t go on.And when he’s caught, a twenty carat diamond ring he has bought, then it’s home to meet her dad and her mom. Romance.com.
(Alan Fisher enters through his apartment door carrying mail)
BILL(to audience-spoken over vamped music)That’s the guy, my buddy Alan Fisher. Mid-forties, divorced, a couple of teenage kids who live with their mother on the West Coast.
(to Alan)Hi Alan.
ALANHi Bill. How’d you get in here?
BILLThe extra key you keep under the fake potted plant in the lobby. Your ex-girlfriend told me about it. You know, the tall redhead. What was her name again?
ALANKama Sutra Suzie?
BILLThat’s the one.
(ALAN sits at desk and checks mail as Pam Bass enters from her apartment, she is also carrying mail)
BILLAnd that’s Pam Bass, she lives across town. The year is two thousand and two, the new millennium, and through the magic of something we affectionately refer to as the World Wide Web, internet or information superhighway, they are about to become acquainted. In about two stanzas, you’re going to meet her best friend Linda, her mother Katie and his father Steve…they have to help finish the opening number!
(Sings)
Romance dot com
ALAN and PAM( ad-lib counterpoint to Bill - referring to mail they are holding) Bills, bills, bills.
BILLYou think you’ve had enough and then you find love, just as if it’s sent from Heaven above, Romance dot com.
(Steve and Katie enter from children’s respective apartments, Linda enters from center)Pammy and Al
STEVEYou better watch it or she’ll hook you good pal
KATIEAlthough she’s just my charming sweet little gal.
BILLYou better watch it buddy, a few months, romantic dating, bells go off
(retard tempo)The preachers waiting….
(Tempo change)
ALL WOMEN(Three part Harmony)
The internet, the internet, let’s go surfing on the internetThe internet, the internet, we’ll find someone on the internet
ALAN & PAMWe don’t have time, to find the right one so we’ll just go online
STEVE & KATIEUntil we find someone we’re biding our time, with mere distractions
BILL & LINDAWe’ll go camping, we’ll go cycling, we’ll do anything until we find them…
BILLRomance dot com, it’s getting much too late to stay at the prom. We’ve got to finally decide or move on, Romance dot com.
ALANRomance dot com, I’ve been alone so long I think I’ll become, a Buddhist monk or just a recluse who’s done, with Romance dot com.
PAMIt never fails, a meet a real nice guy he winds up in jail, for drunken driving and I’m paying his bail, it never fails.
LINDAWhen will it end, could it be me or is it just that all men...
KATIEAre only selfish jerks who roll you and then…
All WOMENThey run away to play some golf or tennis, never call you, you can bet that they’ll annoy you…
ENTIRE ENSEMBLE(Slow tempo - Kick line style)
Romance dot com, won’t someone finally deliver us from, a bad relationship, the time has now come- (Trill)ALAN & PAMRomance,
STEVE & KATERomance
BILL & LINDARomance
ALLRomance Dot commmmmm!
(End Song)
(All exit except Alan who sits at his desk looking at his computer as the lights come up)
(Phone rings)
ALAN(into phone)Hello, Alan Fischer speaking. ..Oh, hi Stan….Yes, I’m working on the article about internet dating….I know I’m facing a deadline Stan, I’m researching dating sites as we speak….here, Elite dating.com, Over fifty dating.com, under forty dating.com, between forty and fifty dating.com …wait, here’s one I never saw before, triple dating .com..what’s that all about…I should of guessed, it’s for threesomes, I think I’ll just bookmark that to my favorites. See what I’m saying Stan…I belong to eight different dating sites just to write this stupid article…. What do you mean how come I never take the women out? Who’s got the money? All these sites charge a fee you know…maybe if you gave me an expense account or an advance or something…alright alright, I’ll do some research. I’ll take some of these women out, now get off my back.
(Knock at door)
I gotta go Stan, someone’s at the door…sure, bye Stan. (to door)Come in.
BILL(enters)Hi Alan. What’s shakin?
ALANLos Angeles after an eight point-O on the Richter scale.
BILLGot any beer?
ALAN(sits at computer)I think so.
BILLWhere?
ALANWhere do you think the beer is?
BILLI don’t know. Last time I was here I found one in your bedroom closet.
ALANWhat were you doing in my bedroom closet?
BILLLooking for a beer. I’ll try the refrigerator this time.(Exits to kitchen)
ALANGood idea. If it’s not in there try my sock drawer.
BILL(off stage)You want one?
ALANSure.
BILL(re-enters carrying two beers. Hands one to Alan.)You on-line again?
ALANYou bet, Billy boy.
BILLFor your consideration I give you Alan Fisher, a monument to the single man. Mid - forties, professional, and can’t maintain a relationship for more than…how long did the last one make it?
ALANNine months.
BILLThat’s an ominous number.
ALANLike you should talk. How many times have you been married?
BILLLet’s see, first there was Cheryl.
ALANUno.
BILLThen Donna. (lasciviously reminiscing) Oh boy, was there ever Donna.ALANTwice!
BILLAnd Lucille. (Grimacing)
ALANThird time is apparently not a charm.
BILLAnd that is precisely why I don’t date anymore.
ALANLearned your lesson huh? If I ever see you with another woman again I’m having you committed…by the way, how long has it been for you?
BILLWhat do you mean?
ALANYou know, since you had a little action?
BILL(Looks at his right hand) You mean with someone else?
ALANYes, I mean with someone else.
BILLA year and a half. But I practice a lot when I’m by myself just to stay on my game..
ALAN No kidding. If your penis were a musical instrument you’d be at Carnegie Hall by now.
BILLHey, don’t blame me. After my last divorce, my therapist said I shouldn’t date for at least two years.
ALANI’d get a new therapist.
BILLShe’s right you know.
ALANYou have a female therapist? Well, I guess you gotta fight fire with fire.
BILLExactly. How else am I gonna figure out what I’ve been doing wrong with women all these years. Fortunately for me, I have learned that I can survive just fine without the company of a woman. I’ve adopted the ‘Country Gentleman’ lifestyle. Just like Cary Grant, or better yet, Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady.”
ALANYou’re swearing off women?
BILLNo, I’m still interested in women. I just choose not to be controlled by them.
ALANIs that what you’re worried about? Controlling women? Here, I’ve got a whole list of women who won’t try to control you?
BILLYou do?
ALANAbsolutely, it’s called the obituary column in the New York Times…And what’s with all this Country Gentleman stuff?
BILLIf you’ll remain silent and not interrupt, I’ll explain it to you. Now I’m forty-five years old, I’m older and wiser. Therefore I am not ruled by the base elements that govern so many of my common brethren. From now on mine is a more intellectual pursuit. I will enjoy the finer things in life in quiet solitude. I am self-contained, I need no one but me.
ALAN What are you saying, you’re giving up sex?
BILLOh perish the thought at its inception old boy. If the opportunity presents itself, I will partake. However, unlike most others, I will not become emotionally attached.
ALANFamous last words. And what’s with all this ‘perish the thought ‘ crap. We both grew up in Jersey and no one ever said ‘old boy’ in Newark. I think you’re taking this country gentleman stuff a little too far.
BILLAm I? All right, you’re on the internet searching for a relationship. Let’s examine your motives. Why are you so desperate to find someone?
ALAN“A” I’m doing research for a magazine article and ‘B’ I’d just like some female companionship, That’s all. I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone.
BILLCompanionship is one thing, but I’m sensing a bit of desperation on your part. Why such a herculean effort?
ALANIt’s either this or online gambling and I’m out of money. Besides, it beats sitting here talking to you.
BILLSure. Evade the issue.
ALANBilly, Billy, Billy… I know you’re trying to make some convoluted point so why don’t you just make it?
BILLOkay, I will. What are people looking for in a relationship?
ALANI just told you. Companionship.
BILLWhich leads to?
ALANLet’s hope lots of sex.
BILLNo doubt, but besides the sex it could lead to…begins with an L, rhymes with Dove.
ALANDoes it have four letters and end in an E?
BILLBingo. The answer is love. So now you’re in love, and as we all know love brings….
ALANLove brings…love brings…more sex?
BILLYeah, right up until you get married. But love also brings happiness doesn’t it?
ALANI guess so.
BILLWell there it is.
ALANThere what is?
BILLThe eternal conundrum, the yin and yang, the dilemma that’s been vexing people for years!
ALANEnglish please.
BILLLove brings happiness. Ergo, most people enter into a relationship to find happiness.
ALANSounds plausible.
BILLPlausible? Love brings happiness? Don’t you see the obvious fault in that logic?
ALANNo, care to enlighten me?
BILLIsn’t it obvious? Why would anyone want to make their happiness depend on someone else? Do you realize how much you empower another person when you make your happiness contingent on their approval? You have to worry about if they’re lying to you, cheating on you, stealing from you…
ALANWhat ever happened to trust?
BILLIt went out the window with the third ex-wife. You see that computer you’re using, that internet dating service. That is a testament to the co-dependency problem we are experiencing in this country.
ALANCo-dependency? What the hell are you talking about?
BILLRight back to my original point. Why do you need someone else to make you happy? Why can’t you be happy by yourself?
ALANI am happy by myself.
BILLThen why are you on that dating site?
ALANI don’t know, why don’t you ask your shrink, she seems to have all the answers.
BILLLook, I did my part, I said my piece.
ALAN(rises and crosses to Bill)So what you’re saying is no one should cohabitate. Nobody gets married, nobody procreates and the human race ceases to exist.
BILLYoung people should procreate. People in their twenties. They’ve got the stamina. I’m referring to people our age.
ALANOh, just middle aged people shouldn’t date.
BILLThey shouldn’t form attachments.
ALANIt’s the same thing.
BILLIsn’t
ALANIs.
BILLIsn’t
ALANIt is!
BILLFine. Date your head off. But don’t come crying to me when some woman sends you mixed signals or dumps you.
ALANYou are a big talker Mr. "I’ve been married three times." I know you better than you know yourself. You will never survive without a woman. I bet you’ll even get married again.
BILLWon’t
ALANWill.
BILLI won’t!
ALANYou will!
BILLWon’t, never ever, ain’t gonna happen!
(Music starts, “I’ll Never Marry”)
ALAN(ad-lib over music) I’ll be pulling rice from my lapel sooner than I think if I know you my friend.
BILL(spoken) I mean it Alan. I’d rather have triple bypass surgery than take the plunge again.
ALANWhat else would you rather do, act in community theatre?
BILLI can think of lots of things.
(sings)Verse:
I’d…rather walk a tight rope over sharksOr I’d…run stark naked right through central park.I’d…tame a lion with a whip and chairEven…a long prison sentence is more fair.
Chorus:
I’ll never marry again. I’ll never marry again.
VERSE:I’ll…volunteer to be a guinea pig…for some…extreme experiment where they…May even stick some needles in my toes…before again I’ll ever want to be betrothed.
I’ll never marry again, no I’ll never marry again
Bridge: (the women enter through Pam’s doorway and sing back up harmonies –alternating oohh’s and aahh’s '.)
And if sometimes I get lonely, I’ll know it’s only, in my head
ALANAnd if some sweet girl comes calling, and you start falling.
BILLI’m better comatose or dead!
ALAN(spoken ad –lib) Come on dead?
VERSE:
And when you finally pass?
BILLIn heaven you don’t cut the grass.
ALANOr put out the cat or the trash.
BILLYou’re not forced to do any task!
ALAN(ad-lib) What are you telling meYou’d…rather be alone without a girl…To hold you when you dance…who are you gonna swirl around the floor and take home to be cozy?
BILLYou… should mind your business and not be so nosy…
I’ll never marry again
ALAN(singing counter behind)You will get married again!
BILLI’ll never marry again.
ALANYou will get married…
ALAN & BILL(Bridge)And if someday we get lonely, we hope if only, we can find,A special someone not a phony, but the girl, who’ll stop all time…
ALANThen he might finally say.
BILL(counter to Alan)I’ll never finally say.
ALANThat he may get married someday.
BILL(counter)I’ll never wed!
ALAN & BILLThen we might finally say
GIRLSThen you will finally say!!
ALAN & BillThat we may get married someday!
GIRLSYou will get married!
ALAN & BILLYes we may get married someday!
GIRLSYou will get married!
ALLThat we may get married someday!
(End Song)
BILLNah, it ain’t gonna happen!
(Alan and Bill Katie exit as lights up on Pam’s apartment)
PAM(sitting at computer)I cannot believe you convinced me to do this Linda.
LINDAWake up Pam, it’s the millennium. Everyone’s dating on line nowadays.
PAMI know they are, I just can’t understand why.
LINDAOhh, he’s cute!
PAMWho, the used car salesman?
LINDANo, you passed him, scroll back.
PAMStud Muffin?
LINDANo, you scrolled too far, scroll forward again…There ‘Tennisguy,’ He’s hot.
PAMHe does look awfully cute in those little white shorts.
LINDAQuick, go to his profile, let’s check out the basics…he has a job, that’s good, doesn’t smoke…
PAMNaturally, he’s an athlete.
LINDANo tattoos or piercings, he has a job.
PAMYou said that already.
LINDAYeah, but after the last deadbeat I dated I love hearing it. Look, he’s got everything I’d want in a man, no kids, no baggage, all the teeth are there…
PAMWhy don’t you date him?
LINDAI’m kind of still seeing Harold, although if he doesn’t start towing the line, I might consider it. Now come on, let’s check the income. Way over six figures, beautiful…likes to travel, cook, and go out on the town! You struck gold, e-mail him, he’s perfect.
PAMThere’s only one problem, I haven’t played tennis since gym glass in high school.
LINDADon’t worry, just express an interest, he’ll teach you.
PAMYou think so?
LINDAOf course, men love to think they’re in charge. Come on, let's see the rest. College Graduate, B.A. in theatre? Oh boy, not good.
PAMWhy not good?
LINDAKeep scrolling down.
PAMTo where?
LINDASexual preference.
PAMLet’s see, sexual preference, BI – SEXUAL!
LINDAI knew it was too good to be true. Theatre major, dead giveaway.
PAMWell he is bi-sexual, maybe with the right woman guiding him..
LINDAForget it, once they cross that river they seldom swim all the back… Oh, I almost forgot, I told Harold I’d meet him at the coffee shop at 7:30. Do you want to join us?
PAMWe can’t leave now, I’m just getting the hang of this. Look at all these available men!
LINDAAh, but are they emotionally available?
PAMHow can I tell until I’ve met them…all of them!
LINDAI’ve created an internet monster!
PAMAnd to think, all the time I’ve wasted at those lame single's dances meeting buck toothed car salesmen.
(Pam’s cell phone rings – she rises and Linda sits at computer)
Hello mother… nothing, Linda’s visiting. We’re going out for coffee.
LINDAAsk her to come.
PAM(to Linda)You sure?
LINDACertainly.
PAM(To phone)Mother, would you like to join us? … Me, Linda and Harold… Harold’s her new boyfriend… You’ll meet us here? Okay don't be long.
KATIE(Enters with cell phone to her ear)Is this fast enough? Hello Linda.
LINDAHi Katie. (looking at screen) Ohh, I think I’ve got a live one!
KATIEA live what?
PAMShe’s looking for men on the internet.
KATIEHow undignified. Besides, I thought she already had a boyfriend.
PAMShe’s scouting for me. So what have you got?
LINDA“Commitment Phobic”
PAMWho is?
LINDAThat’s this guy's user name.
KATIEWho’d use a name like that on a dating website?
LINDAA guy who isn’t getting many dates I bet.
PAMAt least he’s honest. Go ahead, let’s see what it says. Scroll down. Scroll down!
LINDAOkay. “Commitment Phobic, is one thing I’m not. Just wanted to see if I’d pique your interest. If you’re looking for a genuinely nice guy, yes, there are a few of us left, keep reading.”…What do you think?
PAMWhat the hell, let’s see what he’s got.
LINDAAlright… Forty- five years old. Two kids.
KATIEBaggage!
LINDA(to Katie) Glass houses! ...Occupation. Free lance writer. Let’s check the income. Income, doesn’t disclose. That’s code for he’s broke!
PAMSo who isn’t? Maybe he has potential…here, let me at that damned computer.
(They switch places again)
KATIEPam really, in my day we’d never resort to something like this.
PAMReally mother, how did you meet men?
KATIEDances, parties, the Laundromat.
PAMCan I get back to business here? Okay "commitment phobic", tell me more…Good conversationalist, likes animals and is a lot of fun when he’s on his medication.Sounds perfect.
LINDAYou’re going to e-mail him?
PAMWhy not?
LINDAWhat about the medication?
PAMMaybe he’ll share it with me…It’s probably a joke, I hope it was a joke. And that shows a quirky sense of humor, which I love. And what the hell, my dance card is pretty empty right now. And he is kind of cute.
KATIEHe sounds like a nut!
PAMWell at least he’s not boring. I can’t stand boring.
"...the audience at the performance I attended certainly couldn't get enough of it." Mitch Montgomery- Off-Off Online
"On-line dating was never so hilarious!" Joe Franklin, Bloomberg Radio To purchase this title on Amazon click below https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08BWFWYWG For licensing inquiries on this title, please contact: Joe Simonelli - jsimonelli3@gmail.com / jsimonelli4@aol.com or call 347-355-89891st class Broadway and West End rights thru law office of Gary DaSilva - gary@internationalauthors.com PRODUCTION HISTORY First Ave. Playhouse NJ 2005 (premiere) Richmond Shephard Theatre NYC 2007 Grange Playhouse NJ 2011 Traco Theatre NJ 2011 Full Cup Theatre NJ 2014 Little Victory Theatre NYC 2017 SAMPLE DIALOUGE:CAST
Bill…………………………………..40 -50Alan……………………………….. 35-45Pam…………………………………30-40Linda………………………………..35-45Kate………………………………… 55-70Steve………………………………..60-70 ACT IScene I
SETTING: The respective apartments of Alan Fisher and Pam Bass. The stage is divided in half with an imaginary wall separating stage left and right.Different wallpaper on each side of stage can be used to signify the different apartments; although both will share the same respectivebath, bedroom and kitchen areas which will be an archway back(up) center. Both apartments will have separate front entry doors stage left and right. The usual furniture found in the apartments of a single man and woman should be present. Both apartments should have a small desk with a P.C. or laptop on top. There is one scene change in act one when the action switches to a small café. This can be achieved with something as simple as a small table, two chairs and appropriate lighting or as extensive as a moving center wall.
AT RISE:Lights up full as Bill Wright enters and starts singing the title song.
(Music starts, “Romance.com")
BILL(singing)Romance dot com, it’s kind of funny that you can’t find someone, who isn’t hooked up or who isn’t online, romance dot com.Romance dot com, it’s got a certain kind of gentle aplomb, that only people would assume can’t be done, romance dot com.I know a guy, to find the right one he would fly to the sky, to find his soul mate he would probably try, to take his chances run a marathon, decathlon keep running till he can’t go on.And when he’s caught, a twenty carat diamond ring he has bought, then it’s home to meet her dad and her mom. Romance.com.
(Alan Fisher enters through his apartment door carrying mail)
BILL(to audience-spoken over vamped music)That’s the guy, my buddy Alan Fisher. Mid-forties, divorced, a couple of teenage kids who live with their mother on the West Coast.
(to Alan)Hi Alan.
ALANHi Bill. How’d you get in here?
BILLThe extra key you keep under the fake potted plant in the lobby. Your ex-girlfriend told me about it. You know, the tall redhead. What was her name again?
ALANKama Sutra Suzie?
BILLThat’s the one.
(ALAN sits at desk and checks mail as Pam Bass enters from her apartment, she is also carrying mail)
BILLAnd that’s Pam Bass, she lives across town. The year is two thousand and two, the new millennium, and through the magic of something we affectionately refer to as the World Wide Web, internet or information superhighway, they are about to become acquainted. In about two stanzas, you’re going to meet her best friend Linda, her mother Katie and his father Steve…they have to help finish the opening number!
(Sings)
Romance dot com
ALAN and PAM( ad-lib counterpoint to Bill - referring to mail they are holding) Bills, bills, bills.
BILLYou think you’ve had enough and then you find love, just as if it’s sent from Heaven above, Romance dot com.
(Steve and Katie enter from children’s respective apartments, Linda enters from center)Pammy and Al
STEVEYou better watch it or she’ll hook you good pal
KATIEAlthough she’s just my charming sweet little gal.
BILLYou better watch it buddy, a few months, romantic dating, bells go off
(retard tempo)The preachers waiting….
(Tempo change)
ALL WOMEN(Three part Harmony)
The internet, the internet, let’s go surfing on the internetThe internet, the internet, we’ll find someone on the internet
ALAN & PAMWe don’t have time, to find the right one so we’ll just go online
STEVE & KATIEUntil we find someone we’re biding our time, with mere distractions
BILL & LINDAWe’ll go camping, we’ll go cycling, we’ll do anything until we find them…
BILLRomance dot com, it’s getting much too late to stay at the prom. We’ve got to finally decide or move on, Romance dot com.
ALANRomance dot com, I’ve been alone so long I think I’ll become, a Buddhist monk or just a recluse who’s done, with Romance dot com.
PAMIt never fails, a meet a real nice guy he winds up in jail, for drunken driving and I’m paying his bail, it never fails.
LINDAWhen will it end, could it be me or is it just that all men...
KATIEAre only selfish jerks who roll you and then…
All WOMENThey run away to play some golf or tennis, never call you, you can bet that they’ll annoy you…
ENTIRE ENSEMBLE(Slow tempo - Kick line style)
Romance dot com, won’t someone finally deliver us from, a bad relationship, the time has now come- (Trill)ALAN & PAMRomance,
STEVE & KATERomance
BILL & LINDARomance
ALLRomance Dot commmmmm!
(End Song)
(All exit except Alan who sits at his desk looking at his computer as the lights come up)
(Phone rings)
ALAN(into phone)Hello, Alan Fischer speaking. ..Oh, hi Stan….Yes, I’m working on the article about internet dating….I know I’m facing a deadline Stan, I’m researching dating sites as we speak….here, Elite dating.com, Over fifty dating.com, under forty dating.com, between forty and fifty dating.com …wait, here’s one I never saw before, triple dating .com..what’s that all about…I should of guessed, it’s for threesomes, I think I’ll just bookmark that to my favorites. See what I’m saying Stan…I belong to eight different dating sites just to write this stupid article…. What do you mean how come I never take the women out? Who’s got the money? All these sites charge a fee you know…maybe if you gave me an expense account or an advance or something…alright alright, I’ll do some research. I’ll take some of these women out, now get off my back.
(Knock at door)
I gotta go Stan, someone’s at the door…sure, bye Stan. (to door)Come in.
BILL(enters)Hi Alan. What’s shakin?
ALANLos Angeles after an eight point-O on the Richter scale.
BILLGot any beer?
ALAN(sits at computer)I think so.
BILLWhere?
ALANWhere do you think the beer is?
BILLI don’t know. Last time I was here I found one in your bedroom closet.
ALANWhat were you doing in my bedroom closet?
BILLLooking for a beer. I’ll try the refrigerator this time.(Exits to kitchen)
ALANGood idea. If it’s not in there try my sock drawer.
BILL(off stage)You want one?
ALANSure.
BILL(re-enters carrying two beers. Hands one to Alan.)You on-line again?
ALANYou bet, Billy boy.
BILLFor your consideration I give you Alan Fisher, a monument to the single man. Mid - forties, professional, and can’t maintain a relationship for more than…how long did the last one make it?
ALANNine months.
BILLThat’s an ominous number.
ALANLike you should talk. How many times have you been married?
BILLLet’s see, first there was Cheryl.
ALANUno.
BILLThen Donna. (lasciviously reminiscing) Oh boy, was there ever Donna.ALANTwice!
BILLAnd Lucille. (Grimacing)
ALANThird time is apparently not a charm.
BILLAnd that is precisely why I don’t date anymore.
ALANLearned your lesson huh? If I ever see you with another woman again I’m having you committed…by the way, how long has it been for you?
BILLWhat do you mean?
ALANYou know, since you had a little action?
BILL(Looks at his right hand) You mean with someone else?
ALANYes, I mean with someone else.
BILLA year and a half. But I practice a lot when I’m by myself just to stay on my game..
ALAN No kidding. If your penis were a musical instrument you’d be at Carnegie Hall by now.
BILLHey, don’t blame me. After my last divorce, my therapist said I shouldn’t date for at least two years.
ALANI’d get a new therapist.
BILLShe’s right you know.
ALANYou have a female therapist? Well, I guess you gotta fight fire with fire.
BILLExactly. How else am I gonna figure out what I’ve been doing wrong with women all these years. Fortunately for me, I have learned that I can survive just fine without the company of a woman. I’ve adopted the ‘Country Gentleman’ lifestyle. Just like Cary Grant, or better yet, Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady.”
ALANYou’re swearing off women?
BILLNo, I’m still interested in women. I just choose not to be controlled by them.
ALANIs that what you’re worried about? Controlling women? Here, I’ve got a whole list of women who won’t try to control you?
BILLYou do?
ALANAbsolutely, it’s called the obituary column in the New York Times…And what’s with all this Country Gentleman stuff?
BILLIf you’ll remain silent and not interrupt, I’ll explain it to you. Now I’m forty-five years old, I’m older and wiser. Therefore I am not ruled by the base elements that govern so many of my common brethren. From now on mine is a more intellectual pursuit. I will enjoy the finer things in life in quiet solitude. I am self-contained, I need no one but me.
ALAN What are you saying, you’re giving up sex?
BILLOh perish the thought at its inception old boy. If the opportunity presents itself, I will partake. However, unlike most others, I will not become emotionally attached.
ALANFamous last words. And what’s with all this ‘perish the thought ‘ crap. We both grew up in Jersey and no one ever said ‘old boy’ in Newark. I think you’re taking this country gentleman stuff a little too far.
BILLAm I? All right, you’re on the internet searching for a relationship. Let’s examine your motives. Why are you so desperate to find someone?
ALAN“A” I’m doing research for a magazine article and ‘B’ I’d just like some female companionship, That’s all. I figured I’d kill two birds with one stone.
BILLCompanionship is one thing, but I’m sensing a bit of desperation on your part. Why such a herculean effort?
ALANIt’s either this or online gambling and I’m out of money. Besides, it beats sitting here talking to you.
BILLSure. Evade the issue.
ALANBilly, Billy, Billy… I know you’re trying to make some convoluted point so why don’t you just make it?
BILLOkay, I will. What are people looking for in a relationship?
ALANI just told you. Companionship.
BILLWhich leads to?
ALANLet’s hope lots of sex.
BILLNo doubt, but besides the sex it could lead to…begins with an L, rhymes with Dove.
ALANDoes it have four letters and end in an E?
BILLBingo. The answer is love. So now you’re in love, and as we all know love brings….
ALANLove brings…love brings…more sex?
BILLYeah, right up until you get married. But love also brings happiness doesn’t it?
ALANI guess so.
BILLWell there it is.
ALANThere what is?
BILLThe eternal conundrum, the yin and yang, the dilemma that’s been vexing people for years!
ALANEnglish please.
BILLLove brings happiness. Ergo, most people enter into a relationship to find happiness.
ALANSounds plausible.
BILLPlausible? Love brings happiness? Don’t you see the obvious fault in that logic?
ALANNo, care to enlighten me?
BILLIsn’t it obvious? Why would anyone want to make their happiness depend on someone else? Do you realize how much you empower another person when you make your happiness contingent on their approval? You have to worry about if they’re lying to you, cheating on you, stealing from you…
ALANWhat ever happened to trust?
BILLIt went out the window with the third ex-wife. You see that computer you’re using, that internet dating service. That is a testament to the co-dependency problem we are experiencing in this country.
ALANCo-dependency? What the hell are you talking about?
BILLRight back to my original point. Why do you need someone else to make you happy? Why can’t you be happy by yourself?
ALANI am happy by myself.
BILLThen why are you on that dating site?
ALANI don’t know, why don’t you ask your shrink, she seems to have all the answers.
BILLLook, I did my part, I said my piece.
ALAN(rises and crosses to Bill)So what you’re saying is no one should cohabitate. Nobody gets married, nobody procreates and the human race ceases to exist.
BILLYoung people should procreate. People in their twenties. They’ve got the stamina. I’m referring to people our age.
ALANOh, just middle aged people shouldn’t date.
BILLThey shouldn’t form attachments.
ALANIt’s the same thing.
BILLIsn’t
ALANIs.
BILLIsn’t
ALANIt is!
BILLFine. Date your head off. But don’t come crying to me when some woman sends you mixed signals or dumps you.
ALANYou are a big talker Mr. "I’ve been married three times." I know you better than you know yourself. You will never survive without a woman. I bet you’ll even get married again.
BILLWon’t
ALANWill.
BILLI won’t!
ALANYou will!
BILLWon’t, never ever, ain’t gonna happen!
(Music starts, “I’ll Never Marry”)
ALAN(ad-lib over music) I’ll be pulling rice from my lapel sooner than I think if I know you my friend.
BILL(spoken) I mean it Alan. I’d rather have triple bypass surgery than take the plunge again.
ALANWhat else would you rather do, act in community theatre?
BILLI can think of lots of things.
(sings)Verse:
I’d…rather walk a tight rope over sharksOr I’d…run stark naked right through central park.I’d…tame a lion with a whip and chairEven…a long prison sentence is more fair.
Chorus:
I’ll never marry again. I’ll never marry again.
VERSE:I’ll…volunteer to be a guinea pig…for some…extreme experiment where they…May even stick some needles in my toes…before again I’ll ever want to be betrothed.
I’ll never marry again, no I’ll never marry again
Bridge: (the women enter through Pam’s doorway and sing back up harmonies –alternating oohh’s and aahh’s '.)
And if sometimes I get lonely, I’ll know it’s only, in my head
ALANAnd if some sweet girl comes calling, and you start falling.
BILLI’m better comatose or dead!
ALAN(spoken ad –lib) Come on dead?
VERSE:
And when you finally pass?
BILLIn heaven you don’t cut the grass.
ALANOr put out the cat or the trash.
BILLYou’re not forced to do any task!
ALAN(ad-lib) What are you telling meYou’d…rather be alone without a girl…To hold you when you dance…who are you gonna swirl around the floor and take home to be cozy?
BILLYou… should mind your business and not be so nosy…
I’ll never marry again
ALAN(singing counter behind)You will get married again!
BILLI’ll never marry again.
ALANYou will get married…
ALAN & BILL(Bridge)And if someday we get lonely, we hope if only, we can find,A special someone not a phony, but the girl, who’ll stop all time…
ALANThen he might finally say.
BILL(counter to Alan)I’ll never finally say.
ALANThat he may get married someday.
BILL(counter)I’ll never wed!
ALAN & BILLThen we might finally say
GIRLSThen you will finally say!!
ALAN & BillThat we may get married someday!
GIRLSYou will get married!
ALAN & BILLYes we may get married someday!
GIRLSYou will get married!
ALLThat we may get married someday!
(End Song)
BILLNah, it ain’t gonna happen!
(Alan and Bill Katie exit as lights up on Pam’s apartment)
PAM(sitting at computer)I cannot believe you convinced me to do this Linda.
LINDAWake up Pam, it’s the millennium. Everyone’s dating on line nowadays.
PAMI know they are, I just can’t understand why.
LINDAOhh, he’s cute!
PAMWho, the used car salesman?
LINDANo, you passed him, scroll back.
PAMStud Muffin?
LINDANo, you scrolled too far, scroll forward again…There ‘Tennisguy,’ He’s hot.
PAMHe does look awfully cute in those little white shorts.
LINDAQuick, go to his profile, let’s check out the basics…he has a job, that’s good, doesn’t smoke…
PAMNaturally, he’s an athlete.
LINDANo tattoos or piercings, he has a job.
PAMYou said that already.
LINDAYeah, but after the last deadbeat I dated I love hearing it. Look, he’s got everything I’d want in a man, no kids, no baggage, all the teeth are there…
PAMWhy don’t you date him?
LINDAI’m kind of still seeing Harold, although if he doesn’t start towing the line, I might consider it. Now come on, let’s check the income. Way over six figures, beautiful…likes to travel, cook, and go out on the town! You struck gold, e-mail him, he’s perfect.
PAMThere’s only one problem, I haven’t played tennis since gym glass in high school.
LINDADon’t worry, just express an interest, he’ll teach you.
PAMYou think so?
LINDAOf course, men love to think they’re in charge. Come on, let's see the rest. College Graduate, B.A. in theatre? Oh boy, not good.
PAMWhy not good?
LINDAKeep scrolling down.
PAMTo where?
LINDASexual preference.
PAMLet’s see, sexual preference, BI – SEXUAL!
LINDAI knew it was too good to be true. Theatre major, dead giveaway.
PAMWell he is bi-sexual, maybe with the right woman guiding him..
LINDAForget it, once they cross that river they seldom swim all the back… Oh, I almost forgot, I told Harold I’d meet him at the coffee shop at 7:30. Do you want to join us?
PAMWe can’t leave now, I’m just getting the hang of this. Look at all these available men!
LINDAAh, but are they emotionally available?
PAMHow can I tell until I’ve met them…all of them!
LINDAI’ve created an internet monster!
PAMAnd to think, all the time I’ve wasted at those lame single's dances meeting buck toothed car salesmen.
(Pam’s cell phone rings – she rises and Linda sits at computer)
Hello mother… nothing, Linda’s visiting. We’re going out for coffee.
LINDAAsk her to come.
PAM(to Linda)You sure?
LINDACertainly.
PAM(To phone)Mother, would you like to join us? … Me, Linda and Harold… Harold’s her new boyfriend… You’ll meet us here? Okay don't be long.
KATIE(Enters with cell phone to her ear)Is this fast enough? Hello Linda.
LINDAHi Katie. (looking at screen) Ohh, I think I’ve got a live one!
KATIEA live what?
PAMShe’s looking for men on the internet.
KATIEHow undignified. Besides, I thought she already had a boyfriend.
PAMShe’s scouting for me. So what have you got?
LINDA“Commitment Phobic”
PAMWho is?
LINDAThat’s this guy's user name.
KATIEWho’d use a name like that on a dating website?
LINDAA guy who isn’t getting many dates I bet.
PAMAt least he’s honest. Go ahead, let’s see what it says. Scroll down. Scroll down!
LINDAOkay. “Commitment Phobic, is one thing I’m not. Just wanted to see if I’d pique your interest. If you’re looking for a genuinely nice guy, yes, there are a few of us left, keep reading.”…What do you think?
PAMWhat the hell, let’s see what he’s got.
LINDAAlright… Forty- five years old. Two kids.
KATIEBaggage!
LINDA(to Katie) Glass houses! ...Occupation. Free lance writer. Let’s check the income. Income, doesn’t disclose. That’s code for he’s broke!
PAMSo who isn’t? Maybe he has potential…here, let me at that damned computer.
(They switch places again)
KATIEPam really, in my day we’d never resort to something like this.
PAMReally mother, how did you meet men?
KATIEDances, parties, the Laundromat.
PAMCan I get back to business here? Okay "commitment phobic", tell me more…Good conversationalist, likes animals and is a lot of fun when he’s on his medication.Sounds perfect.
LINDAYou’re going to e-mail him?
PAMWhy not?
LINDAWhat about the medication?
PAMMaybe he’ll share it with me…It’s probably a joke, I hope it was a joke. And that shows a quirky sense of humor, which I love. And what the hell, my dance card is pretty empty right now. And he is kind of cute.
KATIEHe sounds like a nut!
PAMWell at least he’s not boring. I can’t stand boring.